tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post8289103771515500952..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Historical Fiction Opening Work? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-29271620488348281512017-03-06T18:33:59.893-05:002017-03-06T18:33:59.893-05:00TO me, I didn't like the first line because I ...TO me, I didn't like the first line because I wasn't grounded in the scene at all. I had no idea what was happening. (I didn't read the background because I want the story to show it to me.) I also thought there was an information overload--like you were trying real hard to get all this info in right away. So yes, I'd say it feels forced and I need more context-setting up. Hope that's helpful. It's so hard to do!!Carol Baldwinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10444182118975929045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-27109361560188648542017-03-05T13:13:05.649-05:002017-03-05T13:13:05.649-05:00I was a bit surprised to run into omniscient POV (...I was a bit surprised to run into omniscient POV (nothing else explains what's known here). It's less common these days, so that explains the startled comments above. I'm not a big fan of the POV, but am familiar with it. My other criticism are the places where who's speaking becomes confused. Either tags are called for, which would fit well with this POV, or attached the confusing lines to that person's actions.<br /><br />Aside from those two points I have nothing put praise. The characters—especially Aemilia—are wonderful. The political background is skillfully inserted, and done in such a way as to aid the tension. Aemilia jumps off the page from the start (and her entrance) and carries the scene away without looking back. This is a springboard-like opening and works well. Excellent.Christina Anne Hawthornehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11469200451589333014noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-21370154655637088092017-03-04T13:56:11.780-05:002017-03-04T13:56:11.780-05:00I am thankful for the background paragraph, which ...I am thankful for the background paragraph, which grounded me in the story setting and did not intrude disproportionately. Without it, I would have been as confused as 'Anonymous.' I vote to leave it in.<br />The paragraph beginning "The yield was very ..." confused me some. The first sentence was enough for me at this point in the story.<br />The double negative in the last sentence forced me to read it twice to make sure I understood it.<br />You weaved all your stated goals naturally and believably. I understand the family relationship and the political situation, and I am intrigued by the hints of future problems.<br />Great opening.Dave Smithnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-57099188653430943662017-03-04T12:48:05.169-05:002017-03-04T12:48:05.169-05:00I guess I'm the dissenting opinion here.
I d...I guess I'm the dissenting opinion here. <br /><br />I didn't like this. What on earth is she doing hanging around in a closet? How can anyone take her seriously when she's acting like Dennis the Menace? <br /><br />I also had a hard time visualizing the scene. She pops out of a closet, then two men look at her. Oh wait Dad is sitting at his desk. Oh wait, Marcus is by a window. Aemelia also feels like a talking head in this scene, but Janice's suggestion to tag her should help. <br /><br />What POV is this in? It reads like we're in the Count's POV to begin with, then "she realized" jumps us over to her. <br /><br />Finally, the ending line for me felt like a big HEY LOOK THIS IS IMPORTANT HEY HEY PAY ATTENTION TO ME HEY LISTEN. Its such an overblown reaction for something simple. If you had told me Marcus killed the guy and is now paying for the funeral, that would reaction would feel appropriate. But as is, that line plus popping out of the closet makes Aemilia feel melodramatic to me. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-90921568406235101432017-03-04T12:17:57.588-05:002017-03-04T12:17:57.588-05:00This is creative and fresh! Although I prefer one ...This is creative and fresh! Although I prefer one POV per scene, I would keep on reading. Denise McInerneynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-81449601527646156612017-03-04T11:36:26.646-05:002017-03-04T11:36:26.646-05:00I agree that the POV threw me off. i.e.
The two ...I agree that the POV threw me off. i.e. <br />The two men looked up, not the least surprised <br />then we have the paragraph in the father's POV<br />then we have <br />Not for the first time she realized she did not know her brother at all. <br /><br />Also, although I enjoyed this snippet, I wondered if there was another vessel for the girl besides the one used in prior books from other authors.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02787259249720031535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-26426983753953278642017-03-04T10:58:39.569-05:002017-03-04T10:58:39.569-05:00It really was a delight.
(And I hope that "b...It really was a delight.<br /><br />(And I hope that "background" paragraph isn't in the actual scene. The rest is so juicy it would be worth a hard look at how that setup block could be trimmed and re-framed so it's as little a barrier as possible. Or, if this scene is an example of how good you are at explaining as you go, I'd lay odds you don't need the paragraph at all. Any opening line with "the body" deserves to be the top thing on the page!)Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-30591941803313415922017-03-04T10:56:29.904-05:002017-03-04T10:56:29.904-05:00I really enjoyed it, and I would continue reading,...I really enjoyed it, and I would continue reading, but something in your POV keeps me confused. Whose POV this is? What kind of POV?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11666980168317625609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-23050386019569938842017-03-04T09:58:02.326-05:002017-03-04T09:58:02.326-05:00This was absolutely delightful! Engaging, funny, e...This was absolutely delightful! Engaging, funny, excellent characterization. Truly wonderful! Nicole Montgomeryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05965868885700569766noreply@blogger.com