tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post8036437713792162220..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Fantasy Opening Draw You In? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-32745906438082037502017-11-05T13:29:10.998-05:002017-11-05T13:29:10.998-05:00The first paragraph set the scene for me -- some f...The first paragraph set the scene for me -- some form of 'fight club' situation - and being a fantasy tale, it could be happening for many reasons: entertainment for the big wigs or an initiation (for either fighter). <br /><br />Whatever the basis, the younger one has brought a weapon, breaking the 'rules'. The young vs. old situation, the shock of the older fighter that he had allowed himself to be injured immediately establishes the pride involved -- is the younger fighter challenging the older fighter's status?<br /><br />The impression to me is that this might be an impromptu fight or challenge, because the MC is ready to put the 'pup' on his heels -- but no talk of killing or maiming. And when overcome, the younger fighter isn't swiftly ended, rather the MC takes the time to trash talk.<br /><br />The intent may have been to immediately engage the reader in action, but the distant POV, the interruption of action by the MC's monologue, and the slow pace made it feel like a scene that had been plucked from the interior of the novel and plugged in as the intro.<br /><br />The opening is pretty loose overall, as it appears the reason for the fight is to maintain the MC's title as High Fighter. This is an empty goal to the reader, even if you explain it later. <br /><br />Also, the referenced blood on the lips, which is mentioned twice, comes off as color-text only, as no reference is made to the actual injury. Is this from a simple busted lip? It is loosely tied to the opponent's knife, but we don't know if the MC was cut with it or not. If this is an inciting moment, consider starting with the MC recoiling from a slice to the face, seeing the knife, and then re-considering his young adversary. <br /><br />Currently, the sizing up of his opponent makes me think the MC took the young fighter for granted, perhaps the MC is a pompous, self-absorbed fighter who deserves to be toppled from his High Fighter seat? <br /><br />If the sizing up can concentrate on the knife, and that the younger man is lacking muscle, so may be the kind of man who must use a knife, because he lacks natural strength. I didn't want a description of the opponent. I wanted to 'see' what the MC was 'seeing', as a professional fighter. What elements would he assess, as a fighter, just before taking the cheater down? And might he chastise himself for not noticing a 'tell' or considering the possibility of a knife?<br /><br />If the scene was more strongly set up, it would work. I would even enjoy internal thought as an opening, where the MC is psyching up, showing his emotion/passion about or for the fight. Put out what makes this important -- or a joke, of sorts, to the MC. <br /><br />Thanks to the author for sharing their work with strangers. You've got a fertile scene to tune up here -- good work! Best success to you as you work through it.<br /><br />Maria D'Marcohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07909374867721777133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-73352975014434877662017-11-05T10:10:48.265-05:002017-11-05T10:10:48.265-05:00Pulling a knife in a fistfight is a classic in fic...Pulling a knife in a fistfight is a classic in fiction, and too often in real life too. Here, I think you come close to what it would mean, but don't quite reach it.<br /><br />The challenger's didn't just cheat, he tried to murder Rhys in the ring-- anyone using a knife in a fight is creating a very real chance of that. What is the King going to do: bar him from fighting, beat him bloody and throw him out, execute him? Does the challenger think he could get away with it, or is he an assassin who just came to kill Rhys?<br /><br />I mostly like Rhys's counterattack: he's that much better, and he simply uses it. But Rhys's trivial bleeding in his lip doesn't fit with facing a knife, unless you mention that his opponent punched him with the other hand while Rhys was fending off the knife. You might mention the kind of complex attacks that's threatening just before Rhys "let his training take over," so that's what he has to outmaneuver.<br /><br />Finally, I'd say be careful letting Rhys say two lines in the middle of the fight. That creates the impression that the danger is suspended, but it might go better if you show the boy pausing a little at Rhys's first words so we see there's a tiny truce to let him finish. And of course when Rhys wins the moment he's done, it implies how fast Rhys really is, and how foolish the boy was for not attacking when he was at least a little distracted.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-50937015414404372492017-11-05T09:14:42.376-05:002017-11-05T09:14:42.376-05:00Janice, great notes. I am intrigued by this openin...Janice, great notes. I am intrigued by this opening in that the possibilities offer so many possible directions from this point. So much so, I would like to extend an invitation to talk more with this writer with an eye toward them joining the crit group we started through your Critique Connection. If interested, follow me on Twitter and send me a DM. @MorgynStar Morgyn Starhttp://www.morgynstar.comnoreply@blogger.com