tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post7859137583494390409..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Opening With Violence. Does it Work? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-3918955044425903682013-07-12T20:31:53.508-04:002013-07-12T20:31:53.508-04:00The language bothers me, and it feels a little ove...The language bothers me, and it feels a little overused. If your audience is used to that type of language, then use it. If not, it might be an issue. <br /><br />The first sentence was great, especially the way you described the reflection of the third eye. The verb "ink" could cause some confusion, because it makes it sound like a tattoo. <br /><br />But other than that, I think it could turn out to be a great hook!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16096409577862199342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-1331853386235079182013-07-12T02:37:21.340-04:002013-07-12T02:37:21.340-04:00The opening line is very clever, but it suggests f...The opening line is very clever, but it suggests fantasy/ SF so it might come across as a abait and switch to s omebody who likes that genre. Then again, if it were a published text, the reader would already be aware of the genre from the cover, so maybe I'm worrying you for no reason. <br />I thought the narrator was a guy - hoping, too, because I find men hitting women to be a reason to stop reading. I like the detail about the father and the crossword puzzle, nice juxtaposition of the high-octane scene with a banal situation. Gives us a nice glimpse into the MC's middle class background. Good job.Jo-Ann Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18027989147411624378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-13578112499618427482013-07-11T21:09:21.204-04:002013-07-11T21:09:21.204-04:00Add me to the cadre of folks who thought Si was th...Add me to the cadre of folks who thought Si was the hostage. I think it's because just after Si is introduced, the author says "The hostage squints," and so I assumed that this was a way of saying Si is a hostage.)<br /><br />I also didn't know that Tay was a girl although it didn't bother me, as I figured it would become obvious soon.<br /><br />I really liked the third eye detail, except the whole reflection/amber light discussion drew too much attention to the staging (i.e. I actually canoodled over whether you could see a reflection when the sun was shining in the window, which doesn't matter to the story and is totally my problem, but there you go.) <br /><br />No issues with the language, except for the repetition. And note that I've been told by a very good agent that dropping the F bomb on the front page is not a good idea if it can be helped. I know, artistic integrity and all that, but she was thinking marketability. It turns too many people off right away, but if you hook a reader first, they'll be more likely to forgive it later. Just a thought to consider.Meredithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12758936794537867903noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-17041527078519024322013-07-11T20:56:27.080-04:002013-07-11T20:56:27.080-04:00I'm a dark and twisty reader and writer. I sta...I'm a dark and twisty reader and writer. I started one novella with a woman dying so a bit of violence at the beginning is no biggie.<br /><br />Because of my tendency toward fantasy/sci-fi, I immediately thought the mention of three eyes was going in that direction so I would recommend a rework in case other readers with active imaginations get wild with the three eyes :-)<br /><br />I couldn't place Tay until a little later and with no clue if Tay was a guy or girl, I just kind of went with the flow.<br /><br />Now, I don't know what it is like to get punched in the face. The only times I've fought, well, I'm a black-out fighter. I would imagine getting punched would be followed mostly with reactions and not as much introspection. Just something to consider. I'm sure different people may have different reactions.Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-90469861003895838702013-07-11T18:52:26.254-04:002013-07-11T18:52:26.254-04:00I thought Si was the hostage, too. And while the ...I thought Si was the hostage, too. And while the third eye is an interesting detail, it was a bit of a non sequitur. I'd consider moving it later, and starting with something more central to the scene. You also might benefit from getting out of your protag's head and putting in a little more action. I'd like to get drawn into what is happening to her before I get her backstory.<br /><br />I think this scene could be very exciting with a few tweaks.Amy Schaeferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17263719891092841767noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-41954211914915838442013-07-11T17:56:31.308-04:002013-07-11T17:56:31.308-04:00I'm glad I was not the only one who thought Si...I'm glad I was not the only one who thought Si was the hostage! And the mention of the three eyes - even though the third was explained as a tattoo, because I'm a fantasy reader I felt automatically set up to envision Si as alien, and then I had to change my thinking. <br /><br />I don't mind bad language, but it did feel a little overdone - maybe cut out the second use of the f-word? And I'm wondering why people are calling Tay "she." I assumed that Tay was a he - but that may be because the voice seems masculine to me. <br /><br />I enjoyed reading this, one I got past my initial confusion. <br /><br />sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03818420999930644450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-11506129586720137732013-07-11T17:28:53.987-04:002013-07-11T17:28:53.987-04:00I have nothing against swearing, and I probably sw...I have nothing against swearing, and I probably swear too much myself. But I think swearing is more for the spoken than for the written. Be careful, don't overuse in writing. It just gives the impression of lack of writing skills.<br /><br />I'm not in favor of explicit violence (I rather take some hot sex). Violence in the opening of a book would not hook me.<br /><br /><a href="http://cold-as-heaven.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">Cold As Heaven</a><br />CA Heavenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07558100567878233142noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-92039719977196583882013-07-11T14:45:39.319-04:002013-07-11T14:45:39.319-04:00I actually thought at first that Si was the hostag...I actually thought at first that Si was the hostage...Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13224228029579307230noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-17231858036864968732013-07-11T08:05:57.884-04:002013-07-11T08:05:57.884-04:00All these RLDs are awesome!
Language does bother ...All these RLDs are awesome!<br /><br />Language does bother me, so I wouldn't pick this up in a store. That said, I like the lines after Si hits her. Most people would rather *not* bleed, so having Tay wish for that, and tying it to her father's reaction to finishing a crossword, is both fascinating and creepy. That, and the three-eyes detail. I went from "so...mutants?" to "that's disturbing, bravo." Rachel6https://www.blogger.com/profile/15138745237488029817noreply@blogger.com