tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post7682035210251502907..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Cinematic Prologues: Does This Engage You? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-82546204818533690112014-01-10T08:39:34.796-05:002014-01-10T08:39:34.796-05:00Thank for clarifying your comments, Jo! I think it...Thank for clarifying your comments, Jo! I think it's really helpful for people to see how comments are both given and taken. It can be so subtle, but powerful. Janice Hardyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-60467589633552551412014-01-08T16:25:26.886-05:002014-01-08T16:25:26.886-05:00I thought I'd chime in on the C4 discussion an...I thought I'd chime in on the C4 discussion and say that my issue with it was that it was jargon. It didn't take me out of the flow because I knew it referred to the 4th cervical vertebrae, but I know many readers would not even be aware that the vertebrae are categorised in this way, which might give them a 'huh?' moment - not something you want in the opening. I think to create a smooth flow you need to keep it simple, and the sentence would work fine without using the term C4. just to say it's above the collar and attached to a vertebra is clear enough IMO. Furthermore, C4 is also a type of plastic explosive (well known to readers of thrillers), and while I'm not suggesting any reader would seriously think anybody's spine was armed, you really dont want that sort of WTHell moment, even briefly. <br /><br />I'm ashamed to admit it, but in the first line I initially took "ringing" as it's other meaning and was wondering not just what a "dreamworks" was but how they could make it ring. then the part about the dark haired woman just sounded like it came from left field. In other words, I utterly failed to get it. ok, it says more about me than it does about you, but since I missed the point I would have not been bothered to continue if this had been something I picked up off the shelf or browsed on Amazon (unless it came highly recommended or the blurb/cover art had been spectacular).<br /><br />Openings are hard. Dont let a silly ambiguity turn eyeballs away from your words.Jo-Ann Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18027989147411624378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-44039465795702692792014-01-07T12:19:34.381-05:002014-01-07T12:19:34.381-05:00Hi JD just to clarify. I was lost right off. I wou...Hi JD just to clarify. I was lost right off. I would like to see a simple opening. You have a lot of great elements so just keep at it. My novel so far has been through an entire rewrite and the opening has been revised five times now. Keep on.Harry Sarkisianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02734703704447800714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-74282997379505376792014-01-07T07:50:44.436-05:002014-01-07T07:50:44.436-05:00Fair and good points, thank you!Fair and good points, thank you!JD Paradisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07945134213244873038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-13308760971943681972014-01-07T06:22:04.060-05:002014-01-07T06:22:04.060-05:00One thing to remember about feedback in general an...One thing to remember about feedback in general and the RLDs in particular, is that people will have varying opinions. And when someone looks at a small sample without context, all they have is what's right in front of them, so things that might not bother them if they read it in context stand out. <br /><br />With feedback, I like to look at why someone said something. For example (and just an example, no meaning behind it about the comment), it might not be the vertebrae itself that bothered the reader, but the sense of an outside narrator being too detailed. Or they didn't get the reasons behind it so it seemed weird. Like I know it's part of the interface, but only because you told me in an email. I didn't get that when I first read it, but just assumed the wafers would be explained at some point. So it might not be a too-specific detail issue but a matter of worldbuilding and grounding the reader. Feedback can be tricky :)Janice Hardyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-41778759085223528972014-01-06T22:33:06.761-05:002014-01-06T22:33:06.761-05:00Thank you all for your feedback!
I'm intrigue...Thank you all for your feedback!<br /><br />I'm intrigued by how the thing that attracted Michael ("enough unanswered questions", which was btw what I was going for) turned off Harry. Both completely valid opinions, but directly in conflict. Interesting.<br /><br />I'm surprised that the specificity of the vertebrae number was such a turn-off! Usually readers want more specifics, not less. Huh. <br /><br />Much to think about, thank you!JD Paradisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07945134213244873038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-45168699425467633862014-01-06T15:12:31.414-05:002014-01-06T15:12:31.414-05:00Hi
I liked this scene, enough atmosphere and unans...Hi<br />I liked this scene, enough atmosphere and unanswered questions to interest me. I agree with Janice, the opening paragraph felt a little clumsy, perhaps just from trying to introduce the scene or genre a little too quickly. Do you need to have that much detail, particularly if we're then going back in time following the opening? Is it essential that you use this moment to describe the details of the religion. As Rachel6 says, I'm not sure the C4 is necessary. <br />I loved the humour, it felt very natural. It reminded me a little of The Handmaids Tale in flavour, which is a good thing :)<br />thanks<br />MikeMichael Cairnshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05180863661655365561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-85108840521653381882014-01-06T03:52:42.883-05:002014-01-06T03:52:42.883-05:00I can tell you know this story and the fresh creat...I can tell you know this story and the fresh creativity certainly has a lot of potential. I see some world building going on but nothing 'hookey' or 'grabby' early enough to make me want to read on. I was put off by the need to figure out what and where this may be happening. Harry Sarkisianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02734703704447800714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-68441316104522061712014-01-05T20:02:15.969-05:002014-01-05T20:02:15.969-05:00Because Shoshanna is the first named, and because ...Because Shoshanna is the first named, and because she's the focal point of the scene, I'll buy her as the POV.<br /><br />C4 vertebrae irks me a little--a personal thing--because then I stop to count the vertebrae and try to figure out which one you mean, and then I wonder why you're so specific. Why not "spine"? But if there's actually a reason it's that particular bone, carry on!<br /><br />"New car" is perfectly timed. Just as I began to zone out a little ("eh, nothing's happening"), you cracked a joke and I zoned back in.Rachel6https://www.blogger.com/profile/15138745237488029817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-51692047674280857412014-01-05T14:37:22.751-05:002014-01-05T14:37:22.751-05:00Thank you to the person who submitted this sample ...Thank you to the person who submitted this sample for today's RLD. It's always helpful to learn when also trying to help others. For today's sample, I'm wondering if this prayer is something that may work better as a flashback? As the reader, we're entering unaware of what a DrErmwRX is (or at least I have not idea what it is) and what the green wafers stuck to the women are or have to do with anything. The presence of the green wafers, though, do cause some intrigue and the humorous exchange after getting more into Shoshanna's POV is nicely done.Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.com