tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post729599893509834273..comments2024-03-17T06:03:00.362-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Prologue Hook You? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-22917077608598131832013-04-09T11:42:37.221-04:002013-04-09T11:42:37.221-04:00For me, I'd have liked to see this start insid...For me, I'd have liked to see this start inside the lab. There's nothing that seems critical in his approach here, and too much infodump for my taste.<br /><br />Specific to the questions:<br /><br />1. I don't know what Dr. O's intention is, so I don't know if his resolve to do it is sufficiently exhibited.<br /><br />2. Almost. The writing isn't quite there for me - the little details, like the fact that a wet ponytail won't do much but lay there like a dead rat glued to the nape of your neck aren't there, and there's too much backstory in the first paragraphs.<br /><br />In a story like this, I'd much rather initially engage with a character in action, leaving the reason behind the action to be drawn out in later pages. <br /><br />That said, I'm an adult reader, and maybe this much is necessary for the YA market. But I don't think so - teens are smart!<br /><br />3. For me, it's not the too much description, it's the backstory. I liked the grounding details in paragraphs 2 and 4. <br /><br />The question, though, is what is the <i>important</i> description? What's going to move the story along? The details in paragraph 3 seemed to ground the story nicely, I'd have no idea what to expect inside the front door over a space station development center, but loose wires and lanterns probably aren't it - these details really engaged my imagination and got me wondering what was going on there.<br /><br />JD Paradisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07945134213244873038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-2679365008379547462013-04-06T19:17:30.837-04:002013-04-06T19:17:30.837-04:00Do we need to see him getting inside, or can you s...Do we need to see him getting inside, or can you start later as he is doing whatever he is there to do? That should clean up some elements that are slowing you down.<br /><br /> Also - and this is nitpicking - a ponytail will not "bob" in the rain. It will glue itself to your neck and clothes in an unpleasant way.Amy Schaeferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17263719891092841767noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-1761262968020036062013-04-06T18:14:33.167-04:002013-04-06T18:14:33.167-04:00I've used prologues, so I'm one of those w...I've used prologues, so I'm one of those who isn't biased against them. :)<br /><br />However, as Angela mentioned in the comment above, at the end of the page, all we know is that a former janitor, who might be disgruntled (although this part is all very jumbled and confusing), is using copied keys to enter a building. That's not enough to pull a reader in.<br /><br />Personally, I'd step back and ask myself what I wanted to get across in the first page. A bit a tone/mood (slightly noir-ish? skulking about?), a bit of worldbuilding (futuristic where all is not rosy?), and then a character with a goal and a problem.<br /><br />The details right now are too deep into all those elements. If everything is modified and described, then readers get overwhelmed and don't know where to focus.<br /><br />Every detail we include screams, "pay attention to me--I'm important." And here, we have details about trench coat, boots, ponytail, rain, bolts, flash, flicker, more rain, traffic, etc., etc. Is the ponytail important? Are the boots important? Are the bolts important? Right now, I feel like I'm being led by a tour guide shouting, "look here, no here, over here." Hello, whiplash. :)<br /><br />I'd cut all details that weren't absolutely needed for understanding. The weather can be used for setting a tone/mood AND for getting deeper POV about how "conveniently, that meant no one was around to see him entering the building." But only a couple of details are needed to create that "bad weather" impression.<br /><br />I'd also scale back on the confusing backstory of the last paragraph and the play-by-play of action before that. We don't need all the details of what this company has been doing, only hints of it being a problem, and we don't need whips, zips, and closes securely to be told he opened and closed a gate.<br /><br />If something is important, the POV can make us feel like part of the action by sharing why. "He whips the gate open and closes it behind him..." Then I'd use some voicey way here to share his fears of being caught or desire to shut the bracing wind outside or whatever makes him determined to move quickly and ensure the gate is secure.<br /><br />So... I could see this prologue being "needed" as the inciting incident for everything that happens later, and I'm not against using prologues for that purpose. :) But we need less bogging-down-type details and more hints (start with hints, and build up to details later--otherwise we could have confusion, like about the Native American stuff) about the goal and conflict.<br /><br />Good luck with your writing and I hope this helps!Jami Goldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00957122956518765455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-73712497500329481702013-04-06T17:09:17.850-04:002013-04-06T17:09:17.850-04:00By the end of what's provided, as a reader, I ...By the end of what's provided, as a reader, I only know that a guy is going in a building where he used to be a janitor. I'm not sure this is where the author wants the reader. I'm guessing this is a sample of the prologue and there's more to it so that by the end of the whole prologue the reader will experience something to connect with this character.<br /><br />As it stands, there's lots of info but not much to connect with.Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-20428137270182844042013-04-06T10:34:26.755-04:002013-04-06T10:34:26.755-04:00I like some mystery in my science fiction, but wou...I like some mystery in my science fiction, but would also prefer to be inside this Tomahawk place by the end of the second paragraph.If there's action along with purposeful meaning, you would have me hooked.Greg Pattridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05761872776035591138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-10113887658151946452013-04-06T09:12:33.201-04:002013-04-06T09:12:33.201-04:00As a reader I lost interest because there are just...As a reader I lost interest because there are just too many details and I need to read a few times, or read slowly to visualize what's going on. My suggestion is to eliminate this introduction and weave the details in the story line, here and there. You can introduce the event from past in the storyline via a flash back, or via a conversation where Oka tells someone about his past. Let me add that I don't read sci-fi novels, so my views are biased. Readers who love sci-fi novel might appreciate all the details. Best wishes with your novel.G.M.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02652216131823877445noreply@blogger.com