tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post6974025940794557342..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Historical Opening Grab You? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-50137814786642948122016-01-02T14:22:42.048-05:002016-01-02T14:22:42.048-05:00You asked if I would turn the page. Sadly no. In...You asked if I would turn the page. Sadly no. In fact, I would probably close the cover. Part of it is the giant block of words. Part of it is that I couldn't tell what was going on. It didn't feel like deliberate confusion, just confusing.<br />The first sentence is the hardest to write. It sets the mood for the entire story. Here are some thoughts that might help.<br /><br />One of Elmore Leonard's rules for writing is: If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.<br />This sounds like writing to me. You don't need to clarify everything immediately. That first sentence is like a hook in a song. It is the grabber. Here's what I mean. Emily had to get off this damn ship before...well before he found her. With this I would know the main character in this scene is a woman, she's upset, she's on a ship, and she thinks she is in danger. All in 14 words. (I've spent a lot of time on first sentences).<br /><br />Another good idea is: Start at the beginning. To me that means start at the point the real story begins. Jump into action.<br />Read some great opening lines like these:<br /><br />It was a pleasure to burn. —Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451 (1953)<br /><br />“It was raining in Richmond on Friday, June 6.” —Patricia Cornwell, Postmortem<br /><br />"The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel."<br /><br />― William Gibson, Neuromancer<br /><br />I picked these pretty much at random. There are of lot of lists of great first sentences and they are worth reading. I hope this helps and I'm sorry if I called your baby, ugly.Brianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16620367133264855090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-59736494181200293192016-01-02T12:04:20.585-05:002016-01-02T12:04:20.585-05:00I always end up agreeing with Janice. And since th...I always end up agreeing with Janice. And since this is historical, I really don't have a sense of time period which you could put in with just a few specific details. And although you mention some places, none are familiar to me so I can't place this. Although, that could come later. The stuff about the teeth was distracting to me. Unless it's really important to put in at the beginning, I'd layer it in later. Good luck! Historical YA fiction is hard to do! But for an excellent example, read "The Hired Girl" by Amy Schlitz. I'm reading it now and am in awe. Deep POV and great historical details. Carol Baldwinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10444182118975929045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-30634192898014858032016-01-02T11:48:36.865-05:002016-01-02T11:48:36.865-05:00I think it would help a great deal if the past ten...I think it would help a great deal if the past tense words were changed to present tense. In the moment, (showing) because it feels like the narrator is relating events after they happen. (telling)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02787259249720031535noreply@blogger.com