tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post6860475193707539195..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Keeping Action Scenes Clear and Interesting Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-79309517056355985192013-09-02T01:38:35.107-04:002013-09-02T01:38:35.107-04:00Bridget,
Sorry I saw your comment too late. That&...Bridget,<br /><br />Sorry I saw your comment too late. That's some excellent suggestion you've given. I think you're right about the need of emotional intensity. It gives me a new perspective for my writing. I shall re-revise it!<br /><br />And yes, the narrator can die yet again so...*shrug*<br /><br />Thanks again. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00647285795673523869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-47650091366056372002013-08-04T16:06:57.816-04:002013-08-04T16:06:57.816-04:00Hope I'm not butting in after you've finis...Hope I'm not butting in after you've finished your revision (that's so annoying)but I just wanted to mention two elements that I find work well in an action scene. <br />1) Short sentences & short words convey speed and urgency but I'm not suggesting anything as crude as the pow! bam! of Adam West's Batman.<br />2) Sensory description. When in danger all our senses are sharpened - it's a basic survival mechanism. So perhaps the narrator can smell the monster's meaty breath or hear his own heart beat...<br />By the way I think you can keep the witty banter as long as you also inject emotional intensity and we know that your characters are making flip remarks despite and because they are scared. Just a thought as your narrator is already dead, what's the worst that could happen to him in this scene? Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-41288402793111258642013-08-03T14:37:46.791-04:002013-08-03T14:37:46.791-04:00Thanks Janice and fellow readers who took time to ...Thanks Janice and fellow readers who took time to comment. I now see where I need to improve. I'll look into the internalization, voice, pace, telling...<br /><br />And yes, Janice, the monster's look is already described before the scene and the wire does suggest its the Captain.<br /><br />Straight on to rewriting the scene, then. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00647285795673523869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-52881680691138603502013-08-03T14:28:43.637-04:002013-08-03T14:28:43.637-04:00The action part of the scene was pretty good and I...The action part of the scene was pretty good and I agree with the suggestions Janice provided.<br /><br />In writing action scenes, I've read where "less is more" works best to allow the flow to move at a fast, actiony (yeah, just making words up lol!!) pace. Before the action, the internalization and descriptions can help set the scene for the reader.Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-87230800354663934562013-08-03T10:34:13.887-04:002013-08-03T10:34:13.887-04:00For me the repetitious telling particularly disrup...For me the repetitious telling particularly disrupted what I assume should have read as a fast scene.<br /><br />Some points:<br /><br />1. Telling<br />"A light tremor shook the earth beneath me gently."<br /><br />Janice points out the adverb. I'd suggest cutting this back entirely:<br /><br />"A tremor shook the earth." / "The earth tremored."<br /><br />I won't quote them all, but I'd recommend revising the following sentences:<br /><br />"It stomped its foot to the ground"<br /><br />"When I opened it a moment later"<br /><br />2. Italics<br />Generally not needed. Even for deep POV.<br /><br />3. Dialogue<br />While I can see that you're developing the narrator's voice, the overall dialogue and scene read like a snippet of real-time conversation between players of a MMORPG. If a monster has avoided detection long enough to practically ambush them, shouldn't they be a little more worried? Taren's sarcasm, coupled with the narrator's shrug and use of "um..." seems farcical given the fact neither knows how to vanquish the creature.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-77378021351761038052013-08-03T09:56:09.704-04:002013-08-03T09:56:09.704-04:00Just a little thing... I noticed you used the phra...Just a little thing... I noticed you used the phrase "I'd no idea" twice within the first half or so of this excerpt. Maybe intentional, or maybe there's a way to change it a bit ("I didn't know", "it was a mystery", "there was no way to know").<br />I like the narrator's voice.HeatherCRaglinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08546914126436706664noreply@blogger.com