tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post6837354909755494873..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Is This Protagonist Sympathetic?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-801009880490099832018-04-17T10:57:29.452-04:002018-04-17T10:57:29.452-04:00Sorry for the delayed reply but thank you very muc...Sorry for the delayed reply but thank you very much to Maria, Ken and "anonymous" for reviewing this. It has given me lots of food for thought. I think perhaps by trying to avoid telling, I have not made it clear enough in a few spots and I think maybe I also need to dial back the conflict a notch (no moustache twirling)<br /><br />Thanks againLoderingohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16876881030934889880noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-65466410175406558912018-04-07T14:46:20.615-04:002018-04-07T14:46:20.615-04:00For me, Chardonnay was too over the top, too musta...For me, Chardonnay was too over the top, too mustache twirling villain right from the start. I don't understand why Luke puts up with her, let alone is marrying her. Nor do I understand why she's with him when he pretty clearly despises her. If the next scene could believably answer those questions, I would read more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-72126181301657374082018-04-07T11:21:27.927-04:002018-04-07T11:21:27.927-04:00You seem to want this to be startling, and Chardon...You seem to want this to be startling, and Chardonnay certainly is. But it's hard to appreciate, when we can't see which side of the real story this relates to-- since the sample ends before you show much of that.<br /><br />I really want this to have more pointers about what the scene means, and I wonder if they need to be here at the start. Is Chardonnay Luke's bride (a horrifying thought, but she's in the planning and you don't say what else she might be)? Does Luke's "don't want to get married" mean he sees the whole relationship as a mistake or just that he'd be happier without rings? And also, what kind of person is Luke, if our first glimpse of him is here surrounded by weirdness? I suppose he seems sensible (nixing the perfume idea) and tolerant, but we don't really know if he's sympathetic because there's almost no focus on him. If anything, so far the story is under way to being villain-centered.<br /><br />--Meanwhile if this actually is Luke and Chardonnay getting married, it's hard to feel any sympathy for Luke. He's marrying a woman who starts the scene by abusing him without a thought, and he doesn't have the level of horror he ought to.<br /><br />Most of this scene's purpose probably won't happen until the part that was just starting, when we see what it means. Some of the above points might need to be clearer from the start so we can orient to them immediately, but some might be fine to delay because the scene is short and you're about to catch us up; it's hard to say. It's a jarring way to begin, but it is fun, and a sense of craziness (and then grounding it? or not?) might be just what you're going for.<br /><br />The transition: I've seen writers try shifting scenes without the ***-type marker Maria recommends, and it's almost guaranteed to confuse the reader. In this case, I think you *might* get away with a transition of just the dashes and no extra line marker:<br /><br />She was right. I didn't want to get married.<br />--"She even suggested..."<br /><br />although if that was your only transition you'd have to be triply clear in the next couple of lines where the new scene was set (for all we know it's ten years later) and especially what characters are there now. An ordinary new scene needs all that too, but this re-orienting would need to be much clearer if the shift itself didn't have the full ***-line marker. And that full marker might still be safer.<br /><br />The real test of a scene like this is how it works when readers get from it to the next scene. You're given this a lot of energy, so I hope you make sure it comes together the way you want.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com