tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post6802492667949452963..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does the Opening Page of This Magical Realism Tale Work?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-67920515316684855492019-12-22T15:58:42.942-05:002019-12-22T15:58:42.942-05:00Thanks Ken, you give me a lot to think about!Thanks Ken, you give me a lot to think about!DJnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-67734767043024509552019-12-21T10:22:12.066-05:002019-12-21T10:22:12.066-05:00I'm also intrigued... but I don't think yo...I'm also intrigued... but I don't think you're on track to developing that intrigue as well as you could.<br /><br />The main experience we have here is that Kakaru sympathizes with the human, combined with how she'll bond with this soon-to-die girl. That's a combination that gives us intensity plus empathy, two of the best first things a story can have.<br /><br />What I'd like to see more of is a hint about why this is happening. How does she suspect the girl and the ship are doomed, and why is she "supposed to" (your words) bond with this girl in particular? I'm not saying to go very far into the details this soon, but you give her a lot of time to dwell on her regrets and her sympathy. Those are important, but on their own they give me a certain sense that she's a creature made of duty and sympathy because the story needs her to be.<br /><br />It's a small thing, but it bothers me to see your first character begin by being so focused on someone else, and not on the world as it seems to her own inhuman eyes. It's interesting that Janice says she wants to see Kakaru get involved with "the protagonist," even though from the description (and assuming this is the first scene) I'd expect Kakaru to be the protagonist herself. Yes the story's start should be about the mission ahead, but not so little about the creature on that mission that it's out of focus.<br /><br />So just a line or so about a larger picture here would help. Does she want to get back to her usual life drifting with the deepest tides, or is she excited because she isn't usually allowed near the surface? Is she here because some higher spirit ordered her to look after this girl, or can she herself sense both the possibility of disaster and something important about the girl?<br /><br />A strong purpose and sense of sympathy really are great things to start a story with, especially combined with the uniqueness of your concept. There's room for just a little more about your character herself as you do it, but really you have us where we like our fish: hooked.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com