tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post6576360980339739055..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at a Historical Middle Grade OpeningJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-89294006927168033962020-05-08T10:08:17.595-04:002020-05-08T10:08:17.595-04:00Glad I could help, Roxie. Yes, I have a few books ...Glad I could help, Roxie. Yes, I have a few books out (urban fantasy), and I've done a lot of blogging and critiquing. I'm really looking forward to what you can do with a redesigned scene and your deep understanding of this world.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-36752383691259769602020-05-02T17:58:19.286-04:002020-05-02T17:58:19.286-04:00Ken thank you so much! Are you an author? You have...Ken thank you so much! Are you an author? You have wonderful advice and I really appreciate it. I'm beginning to see why the first few paragraphs are so vital and must be packed with important info right at the start. I hope to get there one of these days. With your help and advice I can see it happening. Roxie WeesnerRoxie Weesnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00433335727127760856noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-85132668404602191832020-05-02T17:48:28.483-04:002020-05-02T17:48:28.483-04:00BK you give me so much encouragement to keep going...BK you give me so much encouragement to keep going with my story, thanks. I wish we were allowed to offer more than 250 words. Freddy's dad has a drinking problem which started after his wife, Freddy's mom, died. Freddy is forced to be in a fourth-grade class room with a teach who hates poor kids, (set in the 60's era_ they could get away with such behavior. A lot of info is in the first chapter but I am doing my best to learn how to keep it in Freddy's POV.Roxie Weesnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00433335727127760856noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-39852432586359247842020-05-02T17:41:24.271-04:002020-05-02T17:41:24.271-04:00thank you so much BK for your wonderful insights a...thank you so much BK for your wonderful insights and advice. The house Freddy is living in is my actual house I lived in as a very young child and I did the same things my character is doing. I love the way you have given me ideas about each paragraph and will certainly use them. thanks so much! Roxie WeesnerRoxie Weesnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00433335727127760856noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-2784262193206385792020-05-02T13:05:34.073-04:002020-05-02T13:05:34.073-04:00I completely agree: this is a solid grasp of Fredd...I completely agree: this is a solid grasp of Freddie's moment and can be very appealing, but it could do so much more to introduce the story.<br /><br />Some writers agonize over whether an opening scene should be about mood and character or story issues. I think neither answer is good enough: an opening needs to be BOTH.<br /><br />Freddie's issue is going to be facing Mrs. Witherspoon in class. Or it could be some initial issue that's going to combine with that, like being short-tempered about his dad's troubles, or taking on every other kid's problems. So the best thing this scene can do is get us excited about what this kind of person is like and what that'll lead to.<br /><br />That probably means centering some of this around that specific worry, his school. You could pick a different moment where his friends are telling him how rough Mrs W is or his father is making him promise to stay out of trouble in school. Or it could be a moment like this, but with his attention always drawn back to memories of that -- if the main thing about Freddie now is how carefree he is, he could start with a really ominous memory but show how fast he forgets it.<br /><br />But I think you want to be clear from the start that this scene is building suspense about that class, no matter what else is going on in the meantime. Or it could be setting up something else about him that has obvious implications for class, eg it's showing how he gets in enough trouble on his own. But direct links to the class itself are probably stronger.<br /><br />Another thing you want to do is make us like Freddie, so we sympathize with him for what's ahead. This playful scene does a lot of that, but you could do more by playing up some particular about him. Maybe you develop that fantasy life of his into something even more fun, or give him a "save the cat" moment of helping someone else, or a goal ("stay out of trouble in school and you'l get a new...") that he desperately wants.<br /><br />A third thing you need to show is Freddie as a particular person. If the story ahead hinges on him being the most curious or hotheaded or compassionate or shy kid in school (and it really ought to), you don't want to be playing catch-up showing this to the reader *after* our first impression of him.<br /><br />Keep in mind, you can build all of this any way you want. Freddie can ride down by the tracks just the way he is now, but the story will be much stronger if there are scattered but conspicuous moments that keep the reader on edge for what's coming next. Or you can use any number of other scenes -- this might be one of those times the first thing we write turns out to be exploring the story, not something to use first.<br /><br />This scene does very nicely at putting us in Freddie's day. But, can it also plug us into what he'll *need*?Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-2122031273792634292020-05-02T11:57:30.133-04:002020-05-02T11:57:30.133-04:00Thank you so very much for your insight. I have re...Thank you so very much for your insight. I have reworked this even more since submitting last time. I am working hard to get this right. You're an awesome teacher Janice. Roxie Weesnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00433335727127760856noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-45274509315916995262020-05-02T11:48:38.463-04:002020-05-02T11:48:38.463-04:00Comment 2 of 2:
Paragraph Five:
I infer by readin...Comment 2 of 2:<br /><br />Paragraph Five:<br />I infer by reading this 5th paragraph that something is up with his dad and that this story will revolve around their family situation—maybe some problem catches up with his Dad. You could take the Dad’s ‘what they don’t know won’t hurt ‘em’ thought process casually in a light devil-may-care attitude, or it could be more sinister, the reader can’t tell and is unsure how this all fits in.<br /><br />The first 3 paragraphs are taken up with the excitement of the train and demonstrating the exuberance of youth, so I would not want to disrupt that, but perhaps when he gets his bike (which appears suddenly compared to 1st 3 paragraphs) a more somber note of the trouble at hand could creep in.<br /><br />To the specific questions asked:<br /><br />Does this work? With some minor tweaking, yes. I am personally hooked by Freddy and am willing to read farther to see what the crux of the story is.<br /><br />Is it all in Freddy’s POV? As noted, it starts out necessarily omniscient to get needed info across. The omniscient tone does linger throughout the paragraphs and can be made more personal in Freddy’s POV.<br /><br />Am I showing or telling? Caveat: Others may disagree with me as I tolerate more telling than some readers do. But ultimately it’s the target reader of your books who will determine this. I personally grew up reading and still prefer to read 3rd person POV, but not everybody did. Some telling is okay, but there are opportunities in this manuscript to show some things rather than tell. It’s hard to be specific when I don’t yet understand the story problem.<br /><br />Final note: Reading Janice’s follow up comments about the character having concerns about school—this is not hinted at all in the opening paragraphs. These opening paragraphs hint at family problems, not school problems (not that there can’t be subplots, of course) but if the main story problem for the character is in reference to school, that is in no way present as written.<br /><br />In any case, I like Freddy and would want to read more to see what’s going on.<br /><br />BK Jackson<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-82396427535902462582020-05-02T11:47:37.249-04:002020-05-02T11:47:37.249-04:00Comment 1 of 2:
Dear author, the first thing I wa...Comment 1 of 2:<br /><br />Dear author, the first thing I wanted you to know is that you brought back a wonderful memory for me. I lost my baby brother at 31, but we grew up in rural Maryland & when he was a child he was absolutely ecstatic any time the train came by. Wherever he was, whatever he was doing, if he heard the train coming, he dropped everything, ran to the front yard, and was all a-quiver making a fist & pumping his arm up & down asking the conductor to toot the horn. The conductor usually obliged & that made my brother’s day. I’m glad he had such joyous memories in his too-short life.<br /><br />That alone made me interested in Freddy. Some readers, of course, will not have a deeply personal memory triggered (indeed, many are not going to understand the relevance of trains in culture in this day and age), but his excitement at the train is contagious to the reader in my assessment.<br /><br />Paragraph One: <br />It necessarily starts out omniscient—Freddy isn’t going to be thinking about being 10 years old unless it’s his birthday, and the reader needs to be grounded in who they’re reading about.<br /><br />In this section: “Freddy pulled the strap of his overalls back over his thin shoulder and wiped the sweat trickling down his face with the back of his hand. The hot, humid air in Georgia during August was rough on everybody…”<br /><br />Here’s where you can deepen POV from Freddy’s perspective. I like details like knowing it’s Georgia and it’s August. In paragraph 3 you mention they’re near a swamp. I don’t picture a 10 year old boy thinking in terms of “trickling” sweat. He’s going to haphazardly pull the strap of his overalls up yet again and swipe at the sweat and the bugs and may be thinking along the lines that the mosquitos are bigger blood suckers than leeches (or maybe even a reference to swamp bugs and whatever problem he is going to be facing in the story, something like that. But based on my experience with my brother (just as an example) those are minor annoyances and fleeting thoughts when the train is coming. He’ll pull up the suspenders or swipe at sweat, but what’s on his mind is jumping up & signaling the conductor to toot the train’s horn.<br /><br />Delete: “especially those who couldn’t afford luxuries like air-conditioners.” A telling economic detail, but unnecessary in THIS paragraph, as he is outside and air conditioning is irrelevant. And I think you’ve already included some details that set economic tone.<br /><br />Paragraph Two:<br />My only comment is the word ‘slinging’ implies something that can literally be tossed away, which hopefully he can’t do with his arm. 8-) Maybe find a word that gets the point across but doesn’t create that visual disconnect.<br /><br />Paragraph Three:<br />If you infer the effects of the swamp in paragraph one (bugs etc) and in paragraph two show us how the ground vibrates under Freddy’s feet as the train goes by, paragraph 3 isn’t needed.<br /><br />Paragraph Four:<br />Here I had a visual disconnect. There are the spare homes I’m familiar with that are near the train tracks, but when you say “down the long case of concrete steps to the street” that image is taken away and replaced by descriptions I’ve heard of people who lived in mining towns on hillsides and they had long staircases to get up and down to their homes. In short, “long case of….” Is at odds with the rest of the description (to me). Most houses I remember near train tracks had maybe 3-4 steps down to the ground.<br /><br />When I read about the balloon, I thought it was going to have some significance—i.e. given to him for a special reason, or he was taking it to someone for a special reason. I like the playful imagination of a speeding motorcycle or race car, but it could be more effective if there’s an opportunity to SHOW that later rather than just tell it here. <br /><br />BK Jackson<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com