tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post6499641229577604804..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Are There Enough Details to Describe This Setting? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-49666756816983464452014-03-19T13:34:21.291-04:002014-03-19T13:34:21.291-04:00Contradict away. Every reader brings their own vie...Contradict away. Every reader brings their own views to a story and that's good for the author to hear. But I hope I didn't give the impression that I didn't like it. I did. Janice Hardyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-6518202011325626342014-03-18T10:03:03.419-04:002014-03-18T10:03:03.419-04:00This wasn't bad at all. There's much worse...This wasn't bad at all. There's much worse out there.<br /><br />I did have an issue with being informed we were underground five times within the first 100 words. I get it, you know? My advice would be to remember the reader is a partner and an equal, not a toddler to lead by the hand. Explaining creates distance. Judehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648764965562168173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-35547886528390921962014-03-17T08:10:17.693-04:002014-03-17T08:10:17.693-04:00I'd like to see more emotions all around. Is D...I'd like to see more emotions all around. Is David's pure terror clowning around, or does he genuinely think his friends will do something bad to him? Or is he a bit of a coward? <br /><br />"Hair like Vincent's" didn't work for me. Just say black, and say later that Vincent also has black hair.Rachel6https://www.blogger.com/profile/15138745237488029817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-16236355445293211702014-03-16T11:45:16.738-04:002014-03-16T11:45:16.738-04:00For what it's worth, I also assumed a female n...For what it's worth, I also assumed a female narrator. Interesting.Pharosianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11014081280833695697noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-1469382668554189692014-03-16T06:15:45.877-04:002014-03-16T06:15:45.877-04:00Not a bad beginjing, but I agree with Janice that ...Not a bad beginjing, but I agree with Janice that the opening line doesn't imply being underground. I dont know how far underground you need to be beforeyou stop hearing surface noises like rain- not very is my guess. In my limited experience of caving, you dont have to be deep at all before you're cut-off, they're very silent places!<br /><br />Like Janice, I was also wondering why the power outage was seen as an inconvenience rather than a potentially life threatening event. It all seems to imply they were not far underground. But the narrator missing the wind and sun suggests they have been there for ages and dont habitually resurface even for a dose of Vitamin D.<br /><br />I'm sure you explain this in the next 250 words. <br /><br />I thought the voice was fine. It gave me a sense of MG.<br /><br />Jo-Ann Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18027989147411624378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-9315130877980598732014-03-16T06:02:00.118-04:002014-03-16T06:02:00.118-04:00I thinkmthe speaker is channelling/ referrencing G...I thinkmthe speaker is channelling/ referrencing Gollum from Lord of the Rings. That, plus it sounds creepy.Jo-Ann Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18027989147411624378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-56562808371639391952014-03-15T19:03:55.419-04:002014-03-15T19:03:55.419-04:00I was picturing the mc as a girl too--not sure why...I was picturing the mc as a girl too--not sure why. I also wasn't clear they were underground and had to read the first sentence several times-and still wasn't sure what was going on. I didn't get the black hair either, but Janice suggested a great fix. The sentence: "he pointses are to stabs and saws through the muscleses attaching it to your skulls, Precious. Then, we can scoops it out on the spoonses.” was very confusing to me. I didn't understand why you were spelling the plurals wrong. What am I missing? Hope these comments are helpful!Carol Baldwinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10444182118975929045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-40090498370662576412014-03-15T17:41:26.086-04:002014-03-15T17:41:26.086-04:00I enjoyed this. Funny... I was picturing the MC a...I enjoyed this. Funny... I was picturing the MC as a girl. (Don't know why.) I didn't even realize we aren't told the character's gender until Janice mentioned it.Chicoryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16504144663440678542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-51948752434074120422014-03-15T13:23:50.839-04:002014-03-15T13:23:50.839-04:00This opening I liked. No I'm not contradicting...This opening I liked. No I'm not contradicting Janice. It was light, not "authory" and your voice is easy to read / listen too. It took a few lines for me to get where we were but not why, easy fix. On question #2 this is about where I would like to see your WIP kick off. "I know what a true nightmare is" not written as such but more as a metaphor would really be a great hook. I read that and got seriously intrigued. Good stuff write on!Harry Sarkisianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02734703704447800714noreply@blogger.com