tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post6338534352021598881..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at Setting the Scene in a YA Dystopian RomanceJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-44605630870986864132020-10-18T04:04:52.548-04:002020-10-18T04:04:52.548-04:00Something that stood out to me when reading the wh...Something that stood out to me when reading the whole piece in one go was that some of the sentences were a little repetitive in structure, which made the scene feel somewhat disjointed. Of course, it's more important to make sure that the world-building, plot and so on are solid than to polish prose in scenes which may not survive the next round of revisions, but it's still something to think about. I find reading out loud helps :)Sasha Andersonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-91462628918701910322020-10-17T09:26:08.490-04:002020-10-17T09:26:08.490-04:00"Yes and no" are definitely my reaction...."Yes and no" are definitely my reaction.<br /><br />You put us right in the middle of this world: the girl's worries, the bike, the beads, and descriptions like being grabbed like a fishing pole. This is a believable world with a hint of danger, and it's clear you'll make any time in it interesting.<br /><br />On the other, we're a whole page into the story and have only the vaguest hint about what our heroine will be dealing with, or what distinctive about her (which is probably how she wants it) or her world. And one page is a HUGE distance into a book to not give us any stronger hints about what this tale has to offer. Some readers will be perfectly happy to keep going a while because the tone of this is so good, but others will expect a more specific opening and hold it against you.<br /><br />An easy fix would be if you have a single, unusual thing you can show about what the threat is, and she can catch a glimpse of it as she first rides in. Or it could be a piece of worldbuilding (eg if this is a post-EMP world she could ride past heaps of abandoned machinery and note how much of it has been scavenged for metal). Or you could say a bit more about her family's issues and risks (why does she make the trip herself, every day?). The trick is to show what's unique, with a sense that it could clearly lead to problems later -- keep it in passing, not slowing anything down for it now, because it won't trigger quite yet.<br /><br />Or the scene itself could be different. In that EMP world, she might start with a paragraph or two about trying to salvage metal herself, and then head on to town -- that would be a more distinct opening but move quickly on to the trip as a whole. Or the scene could be much more different, more specific or dramatic. It's all about what you want to highlight first, and how to set the balance between that point and her day in progress.<br /><br />One of my favorite points for a first scene is how it makes it clear that the character will be playing off against the rest. Here I like the sense that the heroine is practical, nervous with crowds until she had to face them, and generally a survivor -- she doesn't do anything that stands out yet, but the impression is consistent here. That's a good start, at least if the rest of the book will zero in on how she tries to live that way while the story pushes her to something else.<br /><br />I like your voice and your world. This could use a faster hint about what else it will be doing soon, but if it has that I'd be happy to pedal on and see where it goes.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com