tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post6253165858225919322..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at a Paranormal Romance Opening PageJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-73899712381919801562021-03-20T14:20:56.233-04:002021-03-20T14:20:56.233-04:00I was confused by the first sentence not knowing w...I was confused by the first sentence not knowing who Boo was, and no immediate name for the protagonist. The rewrite Maria did will help clarify. I wanted more internalization to sympathize with Willow and what is at stake.. Her voice is good, likeable. Great elements and storyline. Just needs tweaking.Pamelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10641800481681697132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-47062275026889616012021-03-20T10:00:29.966-04:002021-03-20T10:00:29.966-04:00I agree, this has a lot of energy: it's a magi...I agree, this has a lot of energy: it's a magical crisis, a mouse named Boo, and a witch with an appealing voice. And, I don't think it's quite here yet.<br /><br />Mostly, this feels Told. It's more immediate than many writings, but there's still a sense that you're standing back from the moment and trying to sum up Willow's feeling, instead of letting us live it. Opening with "the worst possible time" (and not clarifying why) is a big part of that. The third paragraph in particular feels more like the author shifting gears to summarize than Willow making a decision in the heat of things, and the fifth seems like a longer aside about the Whisp's looks than she'd really take if she's "getting desperate."<br /><br />What's been the history, between those couple of glasses that prompted her last message, and now? Have things been semi-quiet with minor flare-ups until now? Has she been wrestling the problem for hours and just now lost control? Frustration is about momentum, and dashed hopes.<br /><br />Also, what would Willow do right in this moment, with this many saucers flying? Would she try to barricade the cabinet closed first, or get out of the house so she didn't damage her favorite things, or would she crouch down and not risk a move until it's all over? If she's calling the Whisp now, it might be because she's already done part of that or reached a safe place to do it.<br /><br />In particular: what does it feel like to have "your magic broken"? Is the immediate problem telekinetic, so she feels the back of her mind grabbing at objects and just can't stop it? Is the damage caused by spirits, that her tainted presence is attracting and enraging? This is the cause of the story, but you ask us to take it for granted when you could ground us a little in what it actually means to her.<br /><br />All in all, I like what this moment could be, and I like where it's going. If it were clearer about *exactly* what it is right now, we'd be right there with Willow.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-49079517950782318192021-03-20T08:19:06.621-04:002021-03-20T08:19:06.621-04:00I love this feature, it helps me so much as a writ...I love this feature, it helps me so much as a writer! I agree with the experts but I just wanted to add that I liked the fact that her "familiar" was a mouse and not something more traditional, like a cat or a bird of prey. It fit with the tone.Megnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-88411272119183793862021-03-20T07:51:17.829-04:002021-03-20T07:51:17.829-04:00The biggest issue for me was context and clarity. ...The biggest issue for me was context and clarity. The first paragraph is confusing, so I never get grounded in the scene, and spent the rest of it playing catch up and trying to parse what's going on. But I like what's going on, so it's just a matter of making the situation clear.<br /><br />At first, I thought Willow was talking to Boo, who was throwing things at her and she was asking why they were doing that now. Then she leaps from the chair, which felt out of place, since that seemed like a reaction to the flying dishes. She says take cover, but I don't know who she's talking to. <br /><br />The overall details of the scene are good, but too many of them fell just short of giving me enough information to understand them. I suspect the needed context just isn't making it to the page yet, but another pass to add some internalization and clarity would get them there.<br /><br />As a romance, it totally sets up the gross podgy wizard to be hot and the eventual love interest, and has a solid "forced to work together and fall in love" element. That's working well and I can see where the romance side of things is going. I can imagine the meet cute already.<br /><br />I like the voice and it reads like a PR. I don't know Willow enough yet to connect to her, but I like her so far, so connecting won't be an issue if I better understand her issue here. Once the confusion is cleaned up, this is a book I'd read, and this opening would draw me in. It has the right pieces, I just need to understand what they mean better.<br /><br />Overall, I'd suggest taking a little more time to set things up. With fantasy, readers are fine with a little world building at the start since it's a world they're not familiar with. I can see this is a world with witches and magic, Willow is a witch, her magic is acting wonky and she needs help. Expand a little on those elements a bit more and readers will happily wait for the rest of the world to unfold. Wanting to know more will draw them in.Janice Hardyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.com