tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post6188697842958239433..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at a Mystery OpeningJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-5566041529897706952020-03-22T13:45:39.304-04:002020-03-22T13:45:39.304-04:00Thanks for your good suggestions. As Janice mentio...Thanks for your good suggestions. As Janice mentioned, I edited it down to fit the word count. I do have more description of the characters and their relationship and also a car full of already-opened boxes. One question I wanted to leave for the detective to come -- who was the intended victim and did Barty plan this all along?Linda Petershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00948229585260390657noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-39100969702956319472020-03-22T10:42:13.658-04:002020-03-22T10:42:13.658-04:00I agree the script is very bare bones with not a l...I agree the script is very bare bones with not a lot to grasp on to. The good news is there is a lot to expand upon. I'm not sure who the protagonist is here, and there is opportunity for it to be any one of the three characters we have met so far. I also want to be more grounded in who these people are, what their mission is, their relationship, etc. Before I can care about the package exploding, I need to care about them. <br /><br />Using some of the five senses might help expand the piece. Showing empathy from the protagonist, whoever that is, might latch us on to that person a bit more. <br /><br />Couple smaller specific items - If they went through all this trouble to get the package, I don't buy Barty grinning and asking if she wants to open it. They just broke the law for this package, there must be a good reason why. To that point, I also have a hard time believing that Barty wouldn't wait to go the bathroom to open the package. If this excuse is to get Barty and the girl out of the car, then perhaps something that is more urgent and can't be ignored - like the girl about to throw up - that's something that can't be put off. <br /><br />They're are lots of great ideas and directions this story can go. With a little work, it will have your readers glued to the page.Lynne Gobioffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08411456589261308425noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-4525629251886897172020-03-21T12:52:15.546-04:002020-03-21T12:52:15.546-04:00I think how much description and background this n...I think how much description and background this needs depends on your purpose and your style.<br /><br />For the scene's purpose, that final "flash of light" makes one obvious way to read this be these are disposable characters you created as your way to reveal "someone's leaving bombs on doorsteps." Or this could be the setup to Barty trying to avenge Sharon -- or she could be fine, and the flash isn't a bomb at all.<br /><br />So, decide what you want readers to feel at the moment. If the flash is a surprise bomb, you want to guide our early sense of Sharon and their stealing to make us interested in them for the page she has to live, but also hint that something very different from just package-snatching is about to happen. Some writers would have them argue about getting out of the grabbing game after this (implying fate won't give them the chance), others would have them talk about rumored bombings or just begin with "On what would be the last hour of Sharon's life..." If Barty becomes the protagonist, you want to focus on him but especially his awareness of Sharon. If there are other wrinkles in what the flash is, or who these people are, include enough of them.<br /><br />You might look at other mysteries to study how they introduce a character or situation quickly. There's an art to giving the reader just enough information so they grasp and care about the basics right away, so you can fill them in more as you go along -- or pull the rug out from under those assumptions. Here, you give us enough to assume these people are a family (or maybe a family of convenience) that are simply grabbing packages until something goes wrong. If that's what you want, you've got it mostly covered, but you probably want to fill in a few more aspects about it: Barty's relationship to Sharon, how he reacts to her ankle, and a bit more about what they're thinking and feeling at the moment. Often thoughts like "let's get this done and get back to arguing over dinner" (or "never think about anything else while a theft's on") do a huge amount to make characters more real, more compelling, and give the sense you want of what their lives are beyond this moment.<br /><br />As for your style:<br /><br />This is very sparse writing right now. It's almost entirely a string of "what"s that happen, like working in Sharon twisting her ankle and Barty "wavering" about taking Tonya to the bathroom. All those "what"s have almost no "how"s about how anything looks or sounds, how someone says something, or what people think along the way.<br /><br />That could be what you want. Some writers work that way.<br /><br />I'd suggest you ask yourself, "Is this the degree of description I'd want to write EVERY TIME I come to a scene that's equally important?" That's my definition of "style": how much of each kind of writing you're comfortable using again and again. If you decide you want things this bare, think hard about how tiny plot twists and good dialogue can carry the story entirely on their own -- you're on track for that already by how original it is to open with package thieves, and in a family. If you want just a bit more color, look at how writers use well-placed minimal description to give readers enough of a picture without taking a lot of words. If you want more, work on how to add more layers than this, so you get comfortable with it. You make your own choice about how you'll write, and choose which skills to develop to make that work.<br /><br />This is a clever beginning to a story, if it's about thieves and a bomb, or it could be many other things. The more you choose which tools you want for this, the better you can bring it to life.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com