tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post5760752956995941841..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at a YA Suspense First PageJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-52457455251406172302021-02-15T17:18:47.873-05:002021-02-15T17:18:47.873-05:00Amre, I think is speaks volumes about your serious...Amre, I think is speaks volumes about your seriousness as a writer (and your fortitude!) that you're submitting your revision for another round of critique. I respect you greatly for that.<br /><br />Someone mentioned they thought it sounded middle grade; I'm not so sure about that. I think historical fiction, for whatever age it's meant, should be true to the age of the setting. I think you're on pretty firm ground on that. <br /><br />Your beginning would definitely pull me in, but then I'm an old softie for children in difficult situations. Tricianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-21972470362100617952021-02-14T12:08:20.102-05:002021-02-14T12:08:20.102-05:00Hi Amre - what I have learned about openings is ev...Hi Amre - what I have learned about openings is everything there needs to mean something. It is on that first page because it is a glimpse into the heart of the book. I found in my earlier writing that I would pile a load of ideas on the first page and most of them never appeared in the novel again.<br /><br />Think about what you are landing on the first page. The tone you are setting for the reader. In THE HUNGER GAMES we find on the first page The Reaping. It sets the tone for the entire book and it is what changes the protagonist's life. <br /><br />I agree with Ken's post - someone in an abusive situation is going to try to flee, not want to stay. And once again, that abuse is on the first page- is that what will develop through the novel - child abuse is a big subject. <br /><br />You have much to work with for sure. Pull out some MG books and some YA books - look at the difference in their internal and external dialogue. Even though your book is based in the past, it is current age readers you are attracting. Deciding on whether to go MG or YA will help you make good choices when choosing words, dialogue, setting, and desires (both internal and external). You're doing a great job - keep up the good work and you will be amazed how it all comes together!<br />Lynne Gobioffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16463790317957093730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-74115105934582073382021-02-13T12:06:21.285-05:002021-02-13T12:06:21.285-05:00Thank you, Janice, for all your suggestions, time,...Thank you, Janice, for all your suggestions, time, and wisdom!! I've got more work to do on this...<br /><br />I am grateful for all your help - you are amazing, and I'm so thankful for your University!!! Blessings! :)Amre Cortadinohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09091553812011279485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-38968666968903461842021-02-13T12:04:49.156-05:002021-02-13T12:04:49.156-05:00Hi and thank you!! Finding a balance in this open...Hi and thank you!! Finding a balance in this opening would be wonderful! I hear the Mission Impossible music playing, the match is lit, and I better get busy!!!<br /><br />Thank you for your time and help! :)Amre Cortadinohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09091553812011279485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-77693569279008179432021-02-13T12:00:07.178-05:002021-02-13T12:00:07.178-05:00Thank you for your time and help!! I enjoyed your...Thank you for your time and help!! I enjoyed your take on these opening paragraphs!<br /><br />I toyed with adding something after Rosie states she's 14 ... Something like - Just wait until I'm eighteen. I'm running away." That's not the right lines but along that vein. Your thoughts?<br /><br />Thank you again for all your help!! I appreciate you! :)Amre Cortadinohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09091553812011279485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-17460426480909414982021-02-13T10:51:42.621-05:002021-02-13T10:51:42.621-05:00Vivid, powerful stuff here. Rosie is going from a ...Vivid, powerful stuff here. Rosie is going from a frightening situation to... something else, that might be worse.<br /><br />Those emotions are also one thing that limits this scene, because they don't feel quite like they fit together. The big defining impression comes at the start, describing Stepfather's "rage" and "lessons" and wishing she could get away. That sounds like outright physical abuse, and it also sounds like something that hasn't been happening that long because she still comfortable thinking about "rebellion" and escape. (It makes sense that this is "Stepfather" rather than her father.)<br /><br />After that, it feels wrong that her first reaction to leaving is fear. Yes she'd miss Nanny Sarah, but any chance at freedom and safety ought to be worth that, if her stepfather is that bad. Also, her sense of herself as too plain and ordinary feels wrong if her priority has been surviving the abuse; that shouldn't matter so much to her if she can just be *away*.<br /><br />I think the core question here is, how much abuse has Rosie been taking, for how long? The girl who dreams of escape seems like a much more recent victim than the one who's afraid to leave and thinks of herself as unworthy. Abuse is a complex, subtle subject --especially for YA readers who either don't understand it yet or may know real victims in their own lives-- and you want to capture it right. The more of it there is, the more completely it should change her voice.<br /><br />You could make Rosie much more beaten down, or more eager to go, or you could downgrade the abuse to lower-level emotional pressure that leaves Rosie ragged and uneasy about life but not so certain any of these people and prospects are so good or bad. Or you might emphasize how Stepfather makes the people she's going to sound at least as bad as him (he could talk about them teaching her a proper lesson, or just that they're "good honest folk" that have his kind of ominous approval) -- that gives her a reason (besides total despair) to see leaving as anything but an escape. It might be that Stepfather isn't that bad, it's simply that there's nothing good in her life except Sarah -- and now she's losing that.<br /><br />You've played a number of powerful emotional notes in this passage. That can make some compelling music, if you're sure the sounds are in harmony.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-30668247494566239102021-02-13T10:39:49.618-05:002021-02-13T10:39:49.618-05:00Looking at the notation of the piece, I see it say...Looking at the notation of the piece, I see it says YA, yet it feels very much MG to me, especially with her holding on to her nanny. While the age falls into YA, the voice sounds and feels younger. Now I realize that this is set back in time, where that might be more appropriate, but I think it is something to consider as the book builds - as to which segment it not only appeals to but fits into.<br /><br />Despite all the terrible things happening to this character, I can't find myself being drawn into her. I want to see a little bit of a fighter, while right now she seems entirely like a victim. She says <br />no one likes her - we need to see something in Rosie we like. Up to now it seems everything is happening "to her" rather than her taking some agency. I really want to see her inner strength on the page, even if it is only a glimpse.<br /><br />Also, I would consider whether the parental abuse is a key part of this story, as that might turn readers off. Today, there are lots of hot buttons with agents and editors. If it is an important thread to the novel, then I would agree leaving it. If not, and it is only an avenue of gathering sympathy for Rosie, it might be better toned down or even omitted.<br /><br />When we see a child being forced to go somewhere they don't want to go we feel sympathy. Especially if they feel lost in the world, which Rosie seems a bit lost. As writers, we want the world to be mean to our characters, as readers, we want to see them survive, to find their inner strength.What we admire about characters is their fortitude to go on, to persevere, we want someone to root for.<br /><br />I think a lot of what you want to say about Rosie is already here. She has a stepfather, is leaving someone she loves (nanny) going somewhere she doesn't know she'll be accepted, and wants to fit in. All things we can totally relate to. It is a great start to build a character ARC - how she starts and how she ends. It is undoubtedly hard to know where a story is going from these first few paragraphs, but it is often these same paragraphs that will hook your reader. <br /><br />Good luck!Lynne Gobioffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16463790317957093730noreply@blogger.com