tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post5557964497430680516..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Would You Ask for the Full Manuscript After Reading this Query?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-72001608037582336892018-11-01T09:04:59.397-04:002018-11-01T09:04:59.397-04:00Thank you all for taking the time to comment! Thank you all for taking the time to comment! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18328702720499702792noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-86530003447027226952018-11-01T08:51:22.095-04:002018-11-01T08:51:22.095-04:00Thank you for your input - I had some questions as...Thank you for your input - I had some questions as to how to handle this sensitively...she is a child born from parents with two very different heritages, and it's central to the story because it's why she's an outcast - she's seen as "bad" because she's different, as happens all too often in real life. I'd love to hear any suggestions as to how to do this better? Loring Slivinskinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-28229204233435755932018-11-01T08:45:57.299-04:002018-11-01T08:45:57.299-04:00Maria - thank you so much for the suggestions and ...Maria - thank you so much for the suggestions and encouragement. As a writer, putting yourself out there can be brutally hard, and encouraging feedback is just plain awesome.Loring Slivinskinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-18517897207547414912018-11-01T08:43:57.186-04:002018-11-01T08:43:57.186-04:00Well, it IS a YA novel. Got anything more useful ...Well, it IS a YA novel. Got anything more useful to add?Loring Slivinskinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-58564408531378250822018-11-01T08:42:51.617-04:002018-11-01T08:42:51.617-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.PPH Pet Bloghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05477855770695349989noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-88321014136871284172018-11-01T08:42:26.832-04:002018-11-01T08:42:26.832-04:00Thank you Pam. Exactly the kind of feedback I nee...Thank you Pam. Exactly the kind of feedback I needed! :)Loring Slivinskinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-66340232909481031562018-11-01T08:41:39.166-04:002018-11-01T08:41:39.166-04:00Thank you for taking the time to comment Ken! Gre...Thank you for taking the time to comment Ken! Great suggestions.Loring Slivinskinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-64083711656038133062018-10-27T17:47:32.266-04:002018-10-27T17:47:32.266-04:00I like young adult fiction so I was interested in ...I like young adult fiction so I was interested in this and like the idea of a string young women. I was instantly put off by the mixed race reference as it is culturally offensive to define people by race. Unless you meant mixed species and you are using this as some kind of parallel with mixed race? I would find another way to make this young woman unique preferably a way that doesn’t define her by her race. Maybe by a unique power she has that is in the prophecy?Wainui Stewarthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13375605920631749050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-57696159456641717092018-10-27T15:51:28.776-04:002018-10-27T15:51:28.776-04:00I agree with Janice and Ken's observations and...I agree with Janice and Ken's observations and advice, but will add a couple thoughts:<br /><br />In the first line, I would remove 'approximately' to keep things moving along. The last part of this line actually created a question: Is Nira 'magical' or does she know/use magic? I leaned toward her having some kind of magical properties or unique abilities. I'm still uncertain what her status is, but the half-breed reference seems to infer she's not a plain 'ol human.<br /><br />I also wondered why she was ostracized 'daily'. Did she look different? Or had she done unusual things, maybe accidentally, that had been seen and now she's the 'weird' girl? <br /><br />The statement that Nira doesn't like magic is a nice punchy start. I immediately asked: why doesn't she? Are there people around her who practice magic? Has she had odd experiences she (or others) attributed to magic? These are good questions. They mean I'm interested and that you have my attention. Take advantage of that and give me some rich, maybe disturbing, information that explores an answer here -- and maybe addresses why she's tormented as well.<br /><br />I would suggest you consider what questions are being raised in your query and how you can avoid them or answer them in ways that create speculation that sparks interest. I was surprised by the warlock dad, but that was okay, as it made me speculate that there was a potentially creepy, evil story behind Nira's conception.<br /><br />So overall, hidden under a bit of a pale delivery, there seems to be an interesting story with some dark happenings and relationships (dad wants to kill Nira).<br /><br />I'm an editor, not an agent with 50 other query letters to go through, so I take/make time to re-read, wonder, and speculate. I fear a busy agent would scan to the break (Then one day...) and, as Janice pointed out the issue with tropes, would not spend further time going to the next one (However, magic is forbidden).<br /><br />Your facts point to a darker story, but your presentation reads as passive/matter-of-fact... <br /><br /><br /><br />You wrote the story, now pull out the pieces that make it unique, exciting, unusual and unwrap them with some active verbs and dark hints. You can do it!! Maria D'Marcohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07909374867721777133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-64971257821897301482018-10-27T14:34:38.911-04:002018-10-27T14:34:38.911-04:00no. If I was 14 years old, maybe.no. If I was 14 years old, maybe.LuigiKhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08567454321451052335noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-58739512303952655302018-10-27T10:10:50.770-04:002018-10-27T10:10:50.770-04:00It did catch my interest, but I agree the last par...It did catch my interest, but I agree the last part isn't as clear, maybe unnecessary. I've been told to play up my unique aspects of the story, and agree that could help you, too. I did get the conflict right away. Good luck.Pamelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10641800481681697132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-79514902390016241902018-10-27T10:03:16.964-04:002018-10-27T10:03:16.964-04:00Like Janice said, this is a good framework for a s...Like Janice said, this is a good framework for a story that sounds more familiar than it needs to sound. Genre-following stories can be some of the best (Star Wars!) but they need to focus on their own spin on it, and this query doesn't show you doing that.<br /><br />I especially like the first full-sized paragraph, but it bothers me as well. Unlike many queries, you start by giving a sense of your protagonist, instead of rushing on to get lost in establishing the plot and world. At the same time, it uses up your first real paragraph without giving much sense of the conflict ahead, instead of weaving it in so we'd get a sense of what being in this world means to Nira already. It could also give us a more intense picture of who Nira is: does she have a burning passion to be around animals, or is it the travel she longs for, or is she an overall ordinary girl and reluctant heroine? Ideally this paragraph would give us a specific sense of her and already some sense of how much trouble she's about to be in, so that we're set for the synergy of "THIS girl has to face THAT? wow."<br /><br />You also flatly call Nira an orphan, so revealing her father's alive disoriented me. You might find a way to hint it's more that she doesn't know what "took her parents from her" or even say she "believes" her father's dead. Living with her aunt and uncle with the life she has fills in the picture for us.<br /><br />You probably know this, but the last line ("send my full manuscript") should absolutely be tailored for the specific agent. Some agents want two chapters, some want three, and some want the complete MS and/or a summary. If you have any reason to think this agent wants one thing, be sure that's what you offer.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com