tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post5385294461964392755..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Opening Page Grab You? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-48596408985068093492015-09-17T03:22:48.470-04:002015-09-17T03:22:48.470-04:00That first sentence --wow. Nailed it.
A little ti...That first sentence --wow. Nailed it. <br />A little timeline and pacing issues. Jumped a bit from the past to the present but nothing a little tweaking wont fix.<br />I'm intrigued. I actually want to read your story. Good job! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-19853660540418957142015-05-11T06:38:18.694-04:002015-05-11T06:38:18.694-04:00For me, it was the uncle with his pants around his...For me, it was the uncle with his pants around his ankles. Stabbing him sounded like a teen girl defending herself to escape an abusive family member. While it's entirely possibly a guy would be in that situation, odds are higher it would be a girl.Janice Hardyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-55503860450321280972015-05-09T18:38:01.009-04:002015-05-09T18:38:01.009-04:00Very engaging. I would read on.
A couple of comm...Very engaging. I would read on. <br /><br />A couple of comments:<br /><br />"A smile tugged up the corners of my mouth while the roof of Uncle Matthew's car bobbed up and down right before disappearing around the bend downstream."<br /><br />When you say the car disappeared around the bend, I get the impression that it was floating. Do cars float when pushed into rivers? I assumed it would sink rather quickly.<br /><br />Like Carrie, I too thought the narrator was male until people pointed out otherwise.Peter Charnellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10204152727626930933noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-75313918016348814202015-05-09T17:37:41.095-04:002015-05-09T17:37:41.095-04:00I'm not sure I'd read on, but primarily be...I'm not sure I'd read on, but primarily because of the genre and the darkness of that opening line. It's eye catching, no doubt about it. But it's the kind of eye catching that draws me in.<br /><br />What I am curious about is that everyone assumed the speaker was female. The voice sounds very masculine and the lack of emotion (except for the tearful moment against Dmitri's chest) sounds more masculine than feminine. At least to me.<br /><br />I thought a teenage boy was narrating until Janice began her crit.<br /><br />So I'm curious.... What markers suggest a female narrator?Carrie Lynn Lewishttp://www.carrielynnlewis.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-28843179362179125482015-05-09T14:02:10.756-04:002015-05-09T14:02:10.756-04:00Thanks all for the compliments. I'm leaning mo...Thanks all for the compliments. I'm leaning more toward leaving it YA. And the working title so far is "Starry, Starry Night."Lori L. Clark Arthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03109552079979163546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-31056343718571731342015-05-09T11:51:57.294-04:002015-05-09T11:51:57.294-04:00It certainly grabbed me. I would definitely read ...It certainly grabbed me. I would definitely read on to see what's happening with this character in the present.Lucindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16971148142067728807noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-57810519252165310642015-05-09T11:32:31.099-04:002015-05-09T11:32:31.099-04:00I would read on, hoping it would remain in the Y/A...I would read on, hoping it would remain in the Y/A genre. Nice writing. I hope the title is as strong. Can you reveal what that is?V Knoxhttp://veronicaknox.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-31695581516726833842015-05-09T10:37:38.254-04:002015-05-09T10:37:38.254-04:00Definitely agree.
I especially love those first s...Definitely agree.<br /><br />I especially love those first sentences, a true example of how to make your key points at top speed. "When I was seventeen, I stabbed my uncle" nails the core fact and the age that makes it so grim. adding "I left him in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor with his pants down around his ankles" adds just the right amount detail to add some color to that bare-bones statement, plus implying why she had to stab him, and then it moves on.<br /><br />Well done indeed.<br />Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-19757623593484507572015-05-09T08:28:50.313-04:002015-05-09T08:28:50.313-04:00Very intriguing. I would definitely keep reading.Very intriguing. I would definitely keep reading.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02808269538430008684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-67384662499870199102015-05-09T07:53:20.028-04:002015-05-09T07:53:20.028-04:00Oh yes,I would read on.Oh yes,I would read on.H. R. Sinclairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06715450637785127208noreply@blogger.com