tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post4753684688219887556..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Raising the Tension in a Flat Opening Scene Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-64494628146988745482014-04-17T13:39:45.022-04:002014-04-17T13:39:45.022-04:00I liked the word *because of* the mental component...I liked the word *because of* the mental component to it. It contrasted to how the character was feeling, which showed his attempt to sneak past the guards. But I can see how someone might be confused by it, especially if English isn't their first language. <br /><br />Word choice matters, and one word can change how someone reads a sentence or interprets a paragraph. The writer would have to decide if the word worked the way they wanted it to or might be confusing for some readers. Janice Hardyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-23018180606254732532014-04-15T19:39:32.990-04:002014-04-15T19:39:32.990-04:00I'm late to this discussion, but I agree with ...I'm late to this discussion, but I agree with Binary's comments about the trouser leg. I was lost with the "Faror's Ants" (who? What?) and the trouser leg really threw me off. But I liked the one word sentence, "thief." I liked everyone's suggestions on how to make him sound masculine. I want to read on--didn't sound flat to me at all. Carol Baldwinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10444182118975929045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-75489943012192006772014-04-14T14:31:31.070-04:002014-04-14T14:31:31.070-04:00At first read I thought it was quite good, and onc...At first read I thought it was quite good, and once I read what Janice and some of the others said, I agree with them. So I won't rehash any of that, but I would like to point out a sentance that stuck out to me.<br /><br />"One of Faror's Ants gave me a lingering look and under his critical eyes I noticed the faint mud stain on the left ankle of my trouser leg, something no employee would be caught dead with."<br /><br />At first glance, I think this should be split up in to several sentances. I am not sure what "Faror's Ants" are, but I don't think that "lingering look" has the tension you are looking for. [One of Faror's Ants shot me a piercing gaze.] The next part "under his critical eyes I noticed" sounds like the MC is viewing himself through the Ant's eyes. Here you might want to have your MC follow his gaze to the mud stain, or simply have him think something like "I hope he doesn't notice the mud stain; no self-respecting employee would ever be caught dead like this."<br /><br />Overall, nice work, I would definately like to read more.BinaryCortexhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00957476519543236284noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-90917227017383623862014-04-14T07:15:16.934-04:002014-04-14T07:15:16.934-04:00...Wow, I'm going to have to disagree with mos......Wow, I'm going to have to disagree with mostly everyone who has commented. I simply loved it. The opening sentence is gold, the following sentence immediately sets up stakes without having to set up backstory which is something that takes skill and talent.<br /><br />The, "A thief," comment is needed, in my opinion, because I personally don't like being confused for too long. There's already one unfamiliar concept (Farar's Ants) and so you clearly telling me that he's stealing something literally made me put down my breakfast so I could fully give myself to your novel.<br />I don't think you need to justify his actions just yet. You've already pointed out that he's stealing something, and that this is very risky. Telling readers why, right away, will eliminate some of the suspense.<br />I'd get rid of the, "So far so good," because you're striding implies the success you've encountered so far. It'd be cleaner if you went straight to, "hold it."<br />Finally, "I flinched" seems appropriate to me because you're already set up how the smallest reaction would be noticed by the guards. In this case, flinching seems like a world of a difference.<br /><br />Keep on at it, I simply loved it, and I am usually not up for scifi. I'd love to contact you so we could talk about our work. Reach me on twitter @muhaddisahAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01576646992826281608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-15359964129727946772014-04-14T05:54:10.111-04:002014-04-14T05:54:10.111-04:00Thanks for the great article. Having soon finished...Thanks for the great article. Having soon finished my first first draft in english, I'm happy about every good revising/editing advise. One question though: For me strolled is not only a kind of walking, but has also a strong mindset component. I can't stroll, when I'm stressed or angry or anxious, but I can try to appear strolling. However, as english is not my mother tongue (writerinaforeignland.blogspot.com), I might not get all the connotations of the word. What are your thoughts?Writer in a Foreign Landhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17912362482423584500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-75907104651596956442014-04-13T20:20:43.444-04:002014-04-13T20:20:43.444-04:00I think how you describe the way he "hugged&q...I think how you describe the way he "hugged" the book to his body sounds very feminine. In my high school that's how girls carried their books to class. Perhaps if you used another word such as clutched?Ukio Takeshihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03211323289911394728noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-33142261094601117452014-04-13T18:52:18.672-04:002014-04-13T18:52:18.672-04:00About making the passage more masculine:
1. I agr...About making the passage more masculine:<br /><br />1. I agree with K.Hutton's comment, and another such instance is the protagonist giving a winning smile to the guard - something that sounds more like a feminine strategy than masculine. A boy looking at male guard would think along the lines of disarming his suspicions instead of winning him, so if he gives a 'disarming smile' instead of a 'winning' one, he could sound more male.<br /><br />2. Similarly, a 'lingering look' is something that a (lecherous) male guard might give to a teen girl - or rather - a girl would recognize such a gaze as 'lingering' whereas a boy might simply think of it as 'searching' in this context.<br /><br />3. He has referred to his body/visceral sensations quite a few times within this passage. In my experience, most boys and men are not so keenly body-conscious, and are more focused on the unfolding situation, especially if the said situation has high stakes. Perhaps changing some of the visceral sensations into internalization about the situation/stakes would make him come across more as a male?<br /><br />The passage itself was intriguing, and I would certainly want to read on to know what happens next. Loved Janice's suggestions on internalization.<br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17288095109846550022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-57708622550957136042014-04-13T17:57:02.157-04:002014-04-13T17:57:02.157-04:00I think it's this sentence in particular that ...I think it's this sentence in particular that sounds like a feminine gesture:<br /> "The book shifted under my shirt and I hugged it tight to my body."<br /><br />The first time I read that sentence I didn't notice the 'under my shirt' bit and instead pictured a nervous fourteen-year-old girl hugging her books close to her body. I now realize that wasn't the picture you were trying to paint, but the verb 'hugging' immediately sounded like a (stereotypically) feminine gesture of nervousness. Also, I don't think it accurately describes your action. Maybe he had to pin his elbow in to his side to keep the book from shifting, which then gives him an even stiffer walk? Or, if he's wearing a suit, wouldn't it make sense to put the book in the inside pocket? I think most men's suits have those handy inner pockets and women's suit jackets don't (I always envy them!). In fact, men's clothing just has many more pockets in general than women's--maybe those are the kind of subtle details you could use to clue the reader in and make it feel real? <br /><br />If you change the mud on the pant leg to a ketchup stain on his tie, that could both identify him as male and accomplish the same goal of making his disguise not-quite-perfect.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08771522093319083163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-56363895657746251382014-04-13T15:24:25.054-04:002014-04-13T15:24:25.054-04:00As originally presented, the piece piques my inter...As originally presented, the piece piques my interest. After reading through Janice's comments and thinking how you might incorporate the internal reactions and add a tiny bit more info (tweak using as few words as possible the stubble as gender indicator, importance of the book and the barest hint of what will happen to him if he is caught). These would convince me to read further though the book is not my usual "type." tracikenworth's comments right on target as well. Good luck!Shirleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11756613176679057344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-23427410136922152842014-04-13T14:36:28.826-04:002014-04-13T14:36:28.826-04:00I have to agree with you that there needs to be mo...I have to agree with you that there needs to be more stakes on why this particular book is so important. Is it something that can save someone's life? Bring about a curse? With the feminine feel--I'd say the readers may think he's a girl because of the concentration on his feelings, and I'm not saying the age old, guys don't display their emotions here, it depends on the guy. Is he young? Untried? His first time stealing? Again, is the book meant to save someone's life? Or bring about he downfall of his enemy? You might think about giving us more detail of who he is. And like suggested, perhaps have the guard address him as "boy." Hope that helps.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com