tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post4691561607595222506..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Fantasy Opening Work? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-46967257223083855922017-02-20T16:43:51.581-05:002017-02-20T16:43:51.581-05:00Thanks, David!Thanks, David!Silva Filhonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-92021401318086201352017-02-20T11:33:28.462-05:002017-02-20T11:33:28.462-05:00The opening seems fine with me. It provides a sens...The opening seems fine with me. It provides a sense of conflict (woman against nature) from the opening. This is ratcheted up quickly when another person appears. The description and actions of that person provide the added conflict: this is no friend or savior. I suspect I would read on for a couple of pages, at least, to learn a little more.<br /><br />As for swear words, I'm not a fan of them, and seeing them on the first page would probably cause me to put the book down. I doubt, however, that I'm in the majority in that.David A. Toddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02964477495167672914noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-18204987740372443092017-02-19T14:25:27.224-05:002017-02-19T14:25:27.224-05:00So many great comments, thank you very much.So many great comments, thank you very much.Silva Filhonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-55488787306664581342017-02-19T13:50:20.955-05:002017-02-19T13:50:20.955-05:00Thats great advice, thanks!Thats great advice, thanks!Silva Filhonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-19617765829197644172017-02-19T13:36:03.843-05:002017-02-19T13:36:03.843-05:00Would I read on? Possibly, just to see if the ques...Would I read on? Possibly, just to see if the questions this opening were answered or explained. Overall, I see that the MC is in a tough situation, but it's uncertain if she's been banished to this place or made the choice for whatever reason. That ambiguity is the first stumbling block for me.<br /><br />The opening sentences set a mundane tone. Melissa sits down, and then does my pet peeve: 'tries' to do something. Since she just sits (down is unnecessary) on the sand, I get no feeling that she's distressed, lost, nearly dying of thirst or hunger, or in this place under duress.<br /><br />If she dropped to her knees, scanned the horizon, felt despair that though the terrain was featureless, she could still see the monolith that marked her starting point -- then I might have a better or beginning sense of her current mental, emotional, and physical state. <br /><br />Her cursing would be appropriate if it fits her character and emphasizes her frustration. If she undertook this trek willingly, then she can curse her decision to do so. If she was forced into this place, then she can curse those who are responsible.<br /><br />As far as seeing the wandering person: did she expect to see anyone? Is she looking for someone? Is she going somewhere in particular?<br /><br />She doesn't seem surprised at the condition of the mystery person and her reaction seems to indicate that she either doesn't consider the person an actual person, or that Melissa is a bit of a psycho. This encounter could be more interesting if we had a reaction from the MC that revealed more about her feelings before flinging 'it' to the ground. I would accept a cursing Melissa in this encounter, if it showed her building anger over her situation.<br /><br />So...yeah, you need more internal thought to take us deeper into why this scene is happening.<br /><br />I feel you have a good, strong concept -- so far. To be able to invest in the story or the character, I would need more 'meat' on what is currently bare bones. I believe you can accomplish this if you take your time and ensure you answer questions before readers have a chance to ask them. You want your readers to ask only the questions that you have framed and which further your story.<br /><br />Good luck and thanks for allowing strangers to give feedback.Maria D'Marcohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07909374867721777133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-53855710480489890932017-02-19T12:40:03.054-05:002017-02-19T12:40:03.054-05:00Thanks for the fb, these are relevant points for m...Thanks for the fb, these are relevant points for my characterization. Maybe I should be more explicit about the message in this paragraph: It was the first person she saw since the doors of death opened and gave her access to that hellish desert.<br /><br />She has been a long time already in this place, something that is not clear in this scene. I'll have to work on it.Mario Tinocohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03054197992474662585noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-17755409788292609292017-02-19T12:37:26.635-05:002017-02-19T12:37:26.635-05:00Thanks! I'll surely work on these points.Thanks! I'll surely work on these points.Silva Filhonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-76921853555466293102017-02-19T12:32:37.011-05:002017-02-19T12:32:37.011-05:00I'm in agreement with Janice on her points con...I'm in agreement with Janice on her points concerning internalization and how it's presented, passive voice, and the awkward sentences. There are a few other places where unnecessary words could be cut, but I'm sure later drafts will take care of those issues.<br /><br />You present a lot of questions here that are engaging so I'd consider this a good start. It's possible to add more internalization without it overwhelming the action. Even a word here and there would make a difference. She strikes me as tired and frustrated, yet not scared or intimidated by the circumstances. That's intriguing.<br /><br />There's enough here to encourage turning the page, but I'll admit stumbling over the "Melissa snapped..." line would cause me to hesitate because I found it confusing.<br /><br />Without seeing a sample where she's cursing I can't make a final decision on that issue, but knowing she normally does makes me feel I'm not seeing the true character in this scene. That could be a problem. Does she curse a lot or doesn't she? Whatever the answer to that question is should be reflected in the story's opening. Who she is, is who she is. Let the reader make their page-turning decision based on the real character.<br /><br />Suppressing her true nature could be harming her ability to express herself so it's possible that freeing this character would make the internalizations easier to write, solving two issues at once. Overall, you're clearly on the right track with this. In many places you've already found the right balance, a sure sign your skill is coming through to the reader. Good luck!Christina Anne Hawthornehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11469200451589333014noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-20999397479230494212017-02-19T12:16:33.238-05:002017-02-19T12:16:33.238-05:00For me, the tone doesn't feel like it matches ...For me, the tone doesn't feel like it matches the situation. <br /><br />Melissa is described as being in a "hellish abyss", and as far as I can tell, she's only got water. No food (although that might be mentioned after the 250 words). No other people. No civilization. But she doesn't sound scared or desperate, she sounds annoyed. She thinks "this is useless". She's worried about her energy flagging, but not worried about food or water or shelter. When she sees a person, she tries for an emotionless tone, instead of being happy or relieved or desperate. And when the person smells like a corpse, her thought is "so weird". And then she body slams the lady. How is that supposed to convince the lady to help her?<br /><br />I'm not sure if this translates, but Melissa is no selling the situation. Everything about her situation sounds pretty dire, but her reaction is just 'meh'. It's hard for me to connect with Melissa, and subsequently care about what's going on, if she doesn't seem to care. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-17672822323207910602017-02-19T11:48:49.954-05:002017-02-19T11:48:49.954-05:00I thought this was a nice read, well written for t...I thought this was a nice read, well written for the most part. This paragraph could be enhanced:<br /><br />Melissa took a sip from the canteen, choking at the sight of a person appearing at the top of a dune. She began running, closing the canteen as water leaked from the opening. Her feet slipped through the sand as she ran, slowing her body. Her arms tingled with the closer view of the stranger. A woman whom was covered in black rags. <br /><br />The point is, describe what is happening. How did she run? What emotions were going through her mind and body? It gives more tension to draw out the scene and paint her actions.<br /><br />Also, I didn't really get that she was thrown over sand.<br /><br />Good luck, keep working at it!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02787259249720031535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-30342500299452938742017-02-19T08:41:25.738-05:002017-02-19T08:41:25.738-05:00Janice, this was very helpful. I'm not satisfi...Janice, this was very helpful. I'm not satisfied with how I've been handling internal thoughts, and thia fb shows my gut feeling was right. <br /><br />The verb tenses are lookimg much better in the original text tho, as we don't have the perfect tense in Portuguese and it's substitute is considered poor writing for us (which gives me a lot of "voice" problems when translatig, its really hard to nail it, lol). However, The tense problems in internal thoughts are not because of the translation and they will enter my review spreadsheet.<br /><br />Overall, I'm very happy with the fb, which gives me the will to continue and a north on things I need to correct.<br /><br />Hope some ppl leave more fb on comments.Silva Filhonoreply@blogger.com