tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post4594652473298850048..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This (Graphic) Opening Paragraph Hook You?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-7631689526866493302015-09-26T11:01:39.414-04:002015-09-26T11:01:39.414-04:00It doesn't sound like monologue to me...it is ...It doesn't sound like monologue to me...it is the protagonist speaking to someone. I think it needs more showing...perhaps intersperce the talking with some actions. Show us how he picks up,the knife while talking to his victim. Why does he call her buddy when she is a woman? Why is it his favourite blade? Does he run his finger along the blade? Lick It in anticipation? Grinning from ear to ear is effective. Nitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03550671947913111557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-34732979046250451602015-09-26T09:37:51.839-04:002015-09-26T09:37:51.839-04:00In the realm of question #1, for me the "budd...In the realm of question #1, for me the "buddy" reference was at first confusing but then actually became a point of interest. Why does a man address the woman he's about to murder as "buddy"? It could be just a speech mannerism, but it could be an insight. Does this character believe he's actually killing a man? Could he be so misogynistic that he can't even see a female victim? Or is he a real-world Mr. Magoo who can't tell a coat rack from a real person, a dog from a child, or a man from a woman? More story would be needed, but I would give it another paragraph or two just to answer that question. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16065514399772033729noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-85980636949677506792015-09-26T09:26:17.487-04:002015-09-26T09:26:17.487-04:00Agreed, as an opening paragraph it doesn't do ...Agreed, as an opening paragraph it doesn't do the whole job of showing how the killer is unusual as well as scary. That might come more from the contrast between this paragraph and whatever the second one is-- and it might be worth moving some of this content down into that second paragraph (or the third one) so the reader can see that contrast is.<br /><br />One other thought: he says "buddy" and then reveals that he's killing a woman. Not that the word can't be used for women, but it's more often for men, and since we're just trying to get our bearings any confusion is a problem.<br /><br />For itself, it really is a strong, intimidating paragraph, and what it says about your style makes me want to read more. It's the equivalent of an explosive action scene in a movie. But as Janice has pointed out in the past, opening with just energy doesn't work as well as Hollywood thinks.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com