tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post4369549266247117496..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Opening Draw You in? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-58671877181001432772013-09-15T19:10:39.915-04:002013-09-15T19:10:39.915-04:00This is a compelling opening but I need to feel th...This is a compelling opening but I need to feel the emotional avalanche that Teddy is experiencing.Picking over your own brother's bones...that's chilling and original but I don't yet get the enormity of what's happening. Teddy came across as being in her early 20s - she's young but mature enough to take on the kind of challenge that most would shrink away from...I also like the last line - what kind of place is this that a walk at sunset could draw suspicious glances. Would I read on? Even as it is - you bet. But with a bit of revision you could make this unputdownable. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-2299010182030067232013-09-15T18:00:42.476-04:002013-09-15T18:00:42.476-04:00I was definitely pulled in by that first line. Ver...I was definitely pulled in by that first line. Very powerful.<br />As for the age of the MC, I thought she was young as well but I have a tendency toward YA as well so please take that with a grain of salt.<br /><br />Great sample.Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-7040673516371371442013-09-15T18:00:28.324-04:002013-09-15T18:00:28.324-04:00I was surprised when Teddy waited, then ran from t...I was surprised when Teddy waited, then ran from the noise. To me, it implied one of two things: a) that there was nowhere to hide - are her brother's bones really out in the open?, or b) Teddy felt confident she could outrun anyone who came after her. If that were true, I'd like to either know she was extremely quick, or had a sneaky route to follow that would throw off pursuit. Instead, it sounds like she ran straight into town. That would be noticeable, not just to the pursuer, but to anyone else looking out a window or walking down the street.Amy Schaeferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17263719891092841767noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-91016631720456195742013-09-15T13:28:41.083-04:002013-09-15T13:28:41.083-04:00I'm hooked too! I agree about the metaphors/si...I'm hooked too! I agree about the metaphors/similes more because I see this as a suspense sequence and that pulls me away.<br /><br />For me though the big problem was the sound of "like" leaves crunching after snow has melted. Leaves are soggy in water and probably gone if snow has come and gone - ya know? Maybe a twig?<br /><br />The age didn't sound young to me - or old. For this text she could be a teen or 26.<br /><br />But I do indeed want to read on.H. R. Sinclairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06715450637785127208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-29521080329654655532013-09-15T11:37:34.347-04:002013-09-15T11:37:34.347-04:00Thank you, Janice! I really appreciate it.
Your ...Thank you, Janice! I really appreciate it. <br /><br />Your advice about clarifying my main character's goals, especially, is so timely. I just read an interview with an agent where he said authors not making at least one character goal clear in the first page is one of the biggest problems he sees. And I thought, "He's talking to you on this one, chica! You and your manuscript." <br /><br />I'll definitely work to ground my MC better emotionally and make it clear what she's up to. Ashleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10784477095479100903noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-48491853358330608722013-09-15T10:26:51.529-04:002013-09-15T10:26:51.529-04:00The first sentence has me intrigued and the scene ...The first sentence has me intrigued and the scene has me wondering what will happen next in the story, but there is some distancing. The metaphors and similes throw me off. They don't quite fit. The character could pluck the bone from the soil and I, the reader, know exactly what this means without referring to the feather, clover, and hen. Remove the leaves underfoot too. The leaves crunch. Keep it simple. Precise. Readers aren't stupid. We'll automatically know something is in the woods and assume someone is watching or following the MC even if there isn't. Let the reader's mind wander, imagine, and be curious. <br /><br />I agree, the character seems young. Yet, I can see her being in her early twenties (twenty, twenty-one, perhaps) if details are added later to solidify it. Chris Dessonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12923699574241563330noreply@blogger.com