tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post4197050355060949930..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Opening Scene Work?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-65429986312025383272016-05-16T10:57:57.066-04:002016-05-16T10:57:57.066-04:00I'll put the TL;DR at the top, then get to the...I'll put the TL;DR at the top, then get to the big critique: I didn't like this, and I agree with Janice, this should be cut entirely. Maybe used as a flashback with some serious revisions.<br /><br />The first line is weak. Your subject is a gurney, and it's holding a body. Not interesting or even particularly gripping. Like Janice, I also thought the mother was dead at first, so you already also have the reader having to readjust what they think the scene is in the second line.<br /><br />All the emotion in this piece feels told. "Shock and horror raced through her"; "what a shocking nightmarish blur"--telling. There is good shown emotion with "her mouth gaped", but then we're smacked in the face with "the image sickened her". We can tell. Her mouth is gaping. "Her eyes grew watery, and her breath hitched" is great. You're not outright telling us how she feels or over-explaining. More like that.<br /><br />The dialogue from the mother is not particularly compelling. To me, the problem with that is the mother isn't speaking like someone who was attacked. In the first bit of dialogue from her, the attacker was the subject the whole time. The mother only ever mentions herself as an object. "He grabbed me" not "I was grabbed". "It sliced into me" not "I was stabbed". Later on we have "my hands feel numb", not "I can't feel my hands".<br /><br />The times when the mother does focus on herself, it's still distant. Her description of the attack feels like she's talking to cops about what happened. And her last lines "I wish I'd been more open" are trite. I feel like the author is behind the characters with a giant THIS IS IMPORTANT BUT SECRET AREN'T YOU CURIOUS BE CURIOUS NOW sign.<br /><br />It's also really weird that the mother is dying, and first, Kate thinks her sister and grandmother will only be "upset"? Does everyone else hate the mother? Second, Kate's mother is dying, and she's got the composure to think "who would do this?"<br /><br />All of these issues rob the scene of any sense of urgency. I don't know Kate, so I don't care about what happens to her, and I don't care about the mystery of who killed her mother.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-34690676286224262632016-05-15T15:24:12.974-04:002016-05-15T15:24:12.974-04:00If I may: firstly, we know almost nothing about th...If I may: firstly, we know almost nothing about the scene. We see "a hospital gurney" and "a white blanket", but that's all. Also, and in keeping the whole “diagnostic” idea, while I am not an ER nurse, I am a nurse, and a woman in spasms after having been stabbed twice would *not* be attended only by her daughter. Here’s what my imagination (from being in many code blues and rapid responses) supplies: The daughter would have been escorted away if the woman was in imminent danger of bleeding out, and the "blood-laced body" implies that she is bleeding a lot. The ambulance crew would not have just left her somewhere if she was bleeding a good bit. There would be a confused mass of people around her, all doing something different and important: several nurses (starting an IV if the ambulance crew hadn’t, or starting a second IV, maybe cutting off her clothes - or perhaps the ambulance crew would have done that, putting on electrodes for a heart monitor, putting a pulse oximeter on her finger, hanging IV fluids, maybe putting an oxygen mask on her if her O2 is low, ambulance crew giving the nurses report “57 year old female, multiple stab wounds to ______, Blood pressure, pulse, oxygenation”), aides running off to get something for the nurses, perhaps a crash cart being wheeled in or wheeled to right outside the door, someone telling the secretary to call a "Rapid Response" which would be piped out over the hospital-wide intercom (6 times total: three from the secretary at the ER, then 3 times by another person - I'm not sure who -perhaps security, to make sure everyone knows where to go: "Rapid response, Emergency Room; Rapid Response, Emergency Room; Rapid Response, Emergency Room”), several doctors would appear shortly after the Rapid response was called, etc etc. We have no noises of the place she is, and even if she and her daughter were alone, there would be a good bit of noise from the rest of the patients and staff. There’s always a lot of beeping (of many different tones) in the ER. Finally, medically speaking, I’d like to know *where* she was stabbed, and why it’s causing the convulsions (I can’t imagine what kind of stab wound would cause convulsions); maybe she could be shivering in cold as she loses blood, but again, we need a bunch of medical people responding to this emergency. At this point in my writing career (namely, the very beginning), I feel more qualified to critique the medical aspect than I do the writing aspect. :) I hope this is helpful.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-28879977463108972212016-05-14T16:04:34.692-04:002016-05-14T16:04:34.692-04:00Thanks for your comments, Janice!Thanks for your comments, Janice!Pamelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10641800481681697132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-84959530356605732102016-05-14T16:01:55.676-04:002016-05-14T16:01:55.676-04:00Thanks for your comments, Janice!Thanks for your comments, Janice!Pamelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10641800481681697132noreply@blogger.com