tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post4099990653264876581..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Dealing With Tough Subject Matter: Would You Read On? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-10753922398996137832015-12-15T00:35:12.807-05:002015-12-15T00:35:12.807-05:00Good overall voice, and great job of showing not t...Good overall voice, and great job of showing not telling. The only thing is that the dialogue does feel a little info-dumpy. I don't know your characters yet to really care about the world they live in and how it affects them. You don't need much, but a little more characterization to start with so we get to know the boys would make me want to read on. It is intriguing, just hasn't grabbed me yet. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-44665708342821461722015-12-12T20:59:28.424-05:002015-12-12T20:59:28.424-05:00I was a little confused about the phrase "wha...I was a little confused about the phrase "what eyes had trouble following." Seemed to me that you jumped out of POV when you said this. Who's eyes? Because you said they went back into the school, I knew these were boys. But it really made me wonder about this snippet. They seem like they're about ready to blast a few people to bits, but then they go back into the school? I would have to agree with Janice that their motivation really matters to me. I can't tell if I should like them or hate them. I think Brian's idea of having 2 different POV on what they're about to do is excellent. Good luck!Carol Baldwinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10444182118975929045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-85902163457680480292015-12-12T19:31:20.639-05:002015-12-12T19:31:20.639-05:00Janice, Ken, Lori, Dave, and Brian (Colleagues):
...Janice, Ken, Lori, Dave, and Brian (Colleagues):<br /><br />I am the writer of this RLD submission. (Sorry to be posting anonymously—it’s a long story.)<br /><br />Thank you for your comments and suggestions. I very much appreciate (and need) all the help I can get. I intend to take your commentary to my writers’ group meeting next week. Previously, they reviewed a much longer version of this submission. I hope to reconsider our group discussion in light of your commentary and think your insights will help us improve as writers and critics. I know you’ve helped me.<br /><br />Thank you,<br /><br />BobAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-46464811479382375882015-12-12T15:47:26.445-05:002015-12-12T15:47:26.445-05:00I would liked to have one boy dead sure of what th...I would liked to have one boy dead sure of what they are about to do and the other reticent. Then we have a new layer of tension - will they do it or not. I'm not sure if this is the right place to open the story. It doesn't feel like it. As a writer I ask myself where the story begins. Is this the doorway to a horrible act? Is this the place where the boys decide to commit a crime?Brianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16620367133264855090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-9343079876610847052015-12-12T13:00:56.519-05:002015-12-12T13:00:56.519-05:00These guys don't seem evil. Their banter is l...These guys don't seem evil. Their banter is like two buddies, without the dark passion needed to commit the atrocities they are contemplating. To me, this portends that you are going after the guns, not their intent. Without intent, the guns will do nothing. Davehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02063337064422578885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-50626002412303145672015-12-12T11:43:24.568-05:002015-12-12T11:43:24.568-05:00I was just confused on the last quote after Brad s...I was just confused on the last quote after Brad said he didn't think it would work. Why is the other boy saying, Ok, give it a go? Maybe I've misread it, but other than that, nice start!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02787259249720031535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-64896024354991509252015-12-12T10:32:43.513-05:002015-12-12T10:32:43.513-05:00Like Janice said, it's well handled and may al...Like Janice said, it's well handled and may all come down to how you present the characters in this.<br /><br />One tiny thing I had to point out: you give a lot of attention to the guns and their details (eg introducing them as AR-10s before quickly swapping in "rifle" for clarity). But I did see one use of "clip" instead of "magazine," and that's one of those infamous slips that weapon experts will hold against you forever. (At the same time, it's natural for non-military *characters* to say it, just because it's one syllable instead of three.) A small thing, and definitely not the point of your story, but it's a point worth handling.<br /><br />I've read RLD every week for at least a year now, and this is one of the more polished tales I've seen here. Nicely done.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com