tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post3961780092913917363..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at a YA Fantasy OpeningJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-59352108638980641542021-01-08T01:02:25.756-05:002021-01-08T01:02:25.756-05:00Thank you all very much for giving my work the mos...Thank you all very much for giving my work the most precious gift you can - your time. I am humbled at the extent of the thoughtful comments and have taken them all on board. I have gained much from this exercise and am glad I worked up the nerve to push the send button. It is a wonderful thing you do for new writers. So thank you again, I have a lot more work to do and I will now go back and do my best to show more and tell less.Lu Wnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-5111320677527517162021-01-04T09:18:53.559-05:002021-01-04T09:18:53.559-05:00Ken - I loved your point that if we are "sayi...Ken - I loved your point that if we are "saying" the emotion - we are telling - scared, happy, frightened - all good trigger words for us to go back and say, "how can I show this?"<br />Be well!Lynne Gobioffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16463790317957093730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-66598041709972143732021-01-02T12:54:51.594-05:002021-01-02T12:54:51.594-05:00This is a daring start: it absolutely dives into s...This is a daring start: it absolutely dives into sensations and descriptions for its first page, to make us focus only on those. In fact the narrator's senses, and thoughts, refuse to reach more than an inch away from her for now. That's powerful stuff.<br /><br />If a scene goes this long without giving us more context, I wonder two things. One is, how well does it excite me using just those limited tools?<br /><br />Here, I like a lot of the territory you explore with Briar's sensations, and how fearlessly you cover it all. I'm less impressed when you slip into Telling instead of Showing some of these sensations: you say her heartbeat "frightened" her (naming an emotion is always Telling) instead of showing other reactions that it provokes in her. You say there's a "sense of loss" without saying more to make that sense feel stronger, and you talk about an overwhelming explosion of visions without giving a sense of those either. (At least not right then when it happens.)<br /><br />Can you paint the picture by actually showing some of the specific fragments she has (images, clearer emotions, physical sensations to go with them), and picking just one or two to make the impression clearer without slowing down? The main paragraph has a great sense of those specific motions, but it's also where you stall on saying what the visions themselves are.<br /><br />(One particular: the second sentence says her eyes are taking in the room and yet locked on the ceiling, and I found that contradictory. Either her eyes can move or they can't -- or you mean they can't and it's the corners of her vision that are scanning, but you don't say this. In fact it also raises an expectation that you'll describe the look of the room next, and you don't at all. I found myself justifying that by saying the room looked too dark to make out much at first, but that isn't there either. It's okay to say emotions and touches stop her from noticing much yet, but hard to believe those happen before she finishes seeing *anything*.)<br /><br />My other question is, should this page loosen its "rule" and tell us even a bit more about who Briar is, what she sees, and what she expects, rather than delaying those to cover her sensations first. I think you could go either way -- it's possible to keep those facts on hold and capture how fast the feelings overwhelm her like this. (As long as the lights are dim; otherwise feelings can't be faster than her first light-speed glance of the room.) Or you could choose a few more establishing facts and interlace them with all of these, so we're learning about Briar's situation (before now) and the moment at the same time, playing off each other. It only takes a few words to say "Where was Mom?" or "Were the other students asleep?" and tell us so much. You can take it either way.<br /><br />I love finding a writer who has this much nerve to commit to one moment in the story. You may want to keep thinking how you grasp that moment, but that kind of passion means more than anything for a tale.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-70555220252851806062021-01-02T12:25:56.713-05:002021-01-02T12:25:56.713-05:00That you showed bravery and submitted is to be com...That you showed bravery and submitted is to be commended. This is a tremendous opportunity for you. Well done.<br /><br />In a nutshell, we have a girl named Briar who's unfamiliar with her own emotions. That's a good starting point. Unfortunately, beyond that all we have is speculation. The fact that all the comments include guesses as to the story is proof that more is needed. I'm no different in that regard. As someone who enjoys fantasy, I was intrigued by her violent reaction to her own tears and the visions that resulted. Is that hinting a special ability? If so, that should be your hook, not waking up.<br /><br />The biggest problem I see here IS hinted information. Coyness doesn't equal tension, it equals withholding for whatever reason, be it hesitancy or trying to be too clever. Instead, jump in, plunge ahead. If Briar has a special ability don't hedge, give her a voice and pull us in. Let that be your hook. Ditch those opening couple of paragraphs and let Briar win us over. Briar's circumstances and/or (maybe) ability are your hook, please reconsider dragging out the opening. Despite the frustration I felt reading the first couple of paragraphs, I wanted to like Briar, I wanted to know about her, but my patience was wearing thin. Many readers, especially YA readers, may not be so patient.<br /><br />You have good ideas and, it feels like, a winning protagonist, let them shine right away. I also sense a promising voice. The best of luck to you!Christina Anne Hawthornehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11469200451589333014noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-46080950785336879362021-01-02T10:32:32.444-05:002021-01-02T10:32:32.444-05:00Because she didn't know what tears were, and b...Because she didn't know what tears were, and because this is labeled as fantasy - I thought perhaps Briar was not human or just became human. I do agree that this piece would open up much more with some internal thoughts so we can "see" her better. <br /><br />I am also not grounded in the first paragraph - why is she not moving. Her eyes snapped open and she is frightened - that would lead to a flee instinct, yet she doesn't move. Why?<br /><br />The body movements indicate something not right - lifting her arm stiffly, rigid unbending of her fingers - not knowing tears - all non-human descriptions - yet she knew the taste was salty?<br /><br />The last paragraph introduces other occupants, which I think she might have known from the beginning and would better help the reader in some sense of a setting. <br /><br />Right now all we have is a POV telling us something. I would like to be more into the scene - some description, senses (does she hear anything, smell anything, what is she seeing?) - since there is no dialogue, we don't have a sense of Briar but some internal dialogue might help there. <br /><br />My overall feeling is to consider replacing some of the body part descriptions (eyes, arms, heart thudding, hands shaking, etc) and substitute internal thoughts. Let us come to the conclusion of Briar being scared through her sensory and thoughts. <br /><br />I think there is a lot here to work with and with a little clarification and digging into Briar as a person (or a robot :) will really bring this beginning to life and make for a compelling read. Good luck! Lynne Gobioffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16463790317957093730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-52894389251525918772021-01-02T10:31:44.253-05:002021-01-02T10:31:44.253-05:00Congratulations on your bravery and also your hard...Congratulations on your bravery and also your hard work. The opening is complex and shows you've thought out a lot about your story and world. Here are some impressions on the tip of your iceberg. Briar sounds like a Frankenstein's monster. That would certainly explain a lot of the confusing details like why her heartbeat would frighten her or why her arms were so stiff or the strange sensation of tears. I would read a bit farther to find out if I was right. Or I'd know this from the cover copy. But as a reader, I felt disconnected from the character. Her confusion is so complete I have trouble sympathizing because I myself am confused. Switching more of the "telling" to "showing" would ground me further. Certain phrases like "even though they appeared to be locked on the ceiling" pull me out of the text because the previous "her eyes took in the room" is more from inside her head while "appeared" is from an observer's POV. The tricky, vague language reminded me I was reading instead of experiencing because I instinctively felt you as the author were trying to hide some surprise from me. Consider first that successful surprises must feel organic: not that the author is hiding something, but that when it is inevitably revealed, the reader thinks, "Oh, of course. I should have seen that coming!" Second, can you prioritize your surprise elements? As is, the character's history is a mystery, also the unknown setting she wakes up in, and the frightening circumstances. How can you give us a sense of normal to contrast the bizarre details in your opening. I think this could be a great place to start your novel, but readers will need something solid to hang on to. I love how imaginative you are and that you've tried to incorporate all five senses into your writing. Don't be discouraged: writing is rewriting. For me, that's the fun part. Enjoy the journey!Joanne Robertshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11019039952521739669noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-62851868621403748022021-01-02T07:31:40.053-05:002021-01-02T07:31:40.053-05:00I think the bones are good, and there’s some intri...I think the bones are good, and there’s some intriguing details here, but for me, it’s too external. That’s making it hard for me to connect to Briar and understand what’s going on here. <br /><br />I like the sense that something is wrong, but she doesn’t know what. I get the hint that she’s dreaming of something that she’s either forgotten or has been suppressed, and that frightened her enough to make her cry. Not knowing what tears are is interesting conceptually, but crying is an involuntary reaction, so I found it a little hard to believe, and that pulled me out of the story. <br /><br />The external nature read as if details were purposefully being hidden from me to create mystery, but it created confusion instead. For example, Briar likely knows who else is in the room, so they wouldn’t be “occupants,” they’d be “students” or “prisoners” or “guests” or something that would show a hint of the world.<br /><br />This doesn’t read as omniscient POV (things would be revealed if it were), so I think it’s a tight or limited third. But it doesn’t offer any internalization from Briar to ground readers in her POV. It also doesn’t have a YA voice to me, but that’s due to the lack of internal thought and teen worldview. <br /><br />I’d suggest adding more internal thoughts and observations from Briar’s POV and let her show readers what’s going on and why it matters. Don’t just show the thudding heart, give us a sense of what’s going through Briar’s head as well. Let her recognize and understand the key elements of the setting that readers need to know to ground themselves in the scene. Show her personality. <br /><br />Overall, I think this just needs that internal layer, and that will naturally fix the clarity issues. It will also add that YA voice and make readers care more about Briar and her situation. Janice Hardyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.com