tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post3553623801805270831..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: How Do I Make People Aware That the Story is Worth Waiting For? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-43586406741630412462013-02-18T15:52:08.994-05:002013-02-18T15:52:08.994-05:00They decide to dissolve themselves and the sceptre...They decide to dissolve themselves and the sceptre rather than allowing balam access to its power, leaving manking alone again. <br /><br />Robbed of his plan Balam has a council with his deamons who give him the idea to create a computer game where the battle is against him in cyberspace. Balam invites bayard and his band to come and see what he has created only to find that humans hack the system and learn to be creative, and a lot of other beings find a home in cyberspace -the rest of the story is a romp chasethrough the various levels of the game <br /><br />human gamers can enter the game and play various levels on both sides Balam or the main gamer causing a difficult game of straetgy that requires co-ordination. Humans become addicted to the game and it is banned in Japan as gamers start dying they are so addicted as it spreads like wildfire<br /><br />yaweh provides a scepter of light that must be inserted into the game in order to defuse the emotional compnent that is causing addiction in order to defeqat his brother. This must be sneaked past Balam<br /><br />Humans begin to grow the cyber environment and distance themselves from the traditional become virtual gods as they begin the path of creativity.<br /><br />This is of course over 2 books I will not spoil the ending hahahahAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11333216373203909870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-34693646184337025002013-02-18T15:49:19.785-05:002013-02-18T15:49:19.785-05:00Hi Rachel thanks for taking the time to comment mu...Hi Rachel thanks for taking the time to comment much appreciated<br /><br />I have layered the story<br />so 1 - Balam is a personification off evil and his seen and his brother has to be equal but opposite so is useen.<br /><br />Balam has a plan to use the Titan Girtab tetson Wan to use [he has trained her to be addicted to the enrgy of sceptres] amd she will under his intsruction change the world to recognize eveil therfore defetaing his brother for aquarius. <br /><br />There father Cronus has forbad them from using the same means twice. I have a desription of the last battle where Balam deploys the astra in a dance of creation and invokes the mantra of khali to enable the weapon and send it flying to gilgamesh where it explodes and reduces the city to glass. The weapon feeds on human organic matter and is enabled by Balam's will <br /><br />he has another star shaped weapon that decapitates the warriors and various deamons deployed on the battle who suck the enrgy from humans leaving then bereft of hopr<br /><br />2 - The 2nd layer is a host of deamnons good and bad who are working with Balam like Azu - pestilence, Doji thunder etc. In the final showdown Girtab remakes the deamons and creates new creatures whose very shadows are living deamons of destruction<br /><br />3 - we have the undergorund caves of the eden na where persephone was sent for her half year. the garden is made of precious stones as nothing can survive undergorund. The god ahve entombed many of the sacred items there to keep them out of humans hands. The caves are proetced by Hephastius automatums and the Vgalla deamons who are the living dead placed to protect the items<br /><br />3 - A zoratsran prioests sacrifices his life as he is turned to stone by on of the titans and he casts his last spell of a stsis field trapping the onslaught of the cup of jasmud<br /><br />4 - bayard, Haizium, horatio on the search for the cave and looking for information on the scepter stible on the svene. Bayard manages with the assitance of the human to remove the cloaaaaaaaak and to use it to unbind the spell which re-animates the whole scene from which they have to save themselves.<br /><br />5 - Balam appears and is not overtly concened craeting an impression that they are in fact working for him and it is his plan afterall<br /><br />6 - The story continues but they need to return to the garden where they ar assited by the angel who protects the garden with a flaming sword an make their way to an underground chamber where the 4 Akkadins are standing - craeted from the akashic they have the power to make human dreams come true. However they are not the only petitioners for the sceptre - they make a deal sealed by the akkadin which gives girtab her desire <br /><br />They discover a passage guarded by automatimes whiocj leads to a massive sunlig garden bathed in morning sun where the chariots of hephastius are kept with the bronxe horses. they use the chariots to exit the chamber and find girtab waiting in the dessert with the scepter<br /><br />she cannot activate its full potential and the human realises how to activate it. He complies in order to save mankind from slavery. He calls on the nymphs who assit in creating the conditions that acrivate the scepter<br />The power is intocicating as it courses through her and gives her enormous power capable of unbinding creation <br /><br />she breaks her promise causing one of the akkadin to appear, she draws on the power of the scepter and chaos ensues. she creates a throne of snakes from the sand and a desset snake/human army of millions. The akkadin intervenes and in a twist of the story the new addam and eve for aquarius are born. However their rein is shortlived as balam immediately demands they begin to influenece humankind for his planned ends.<br /><br />haAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11333216373203909870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-28207369947340265742013-02-17T15:02:09.925-05:002013-02-17T15:02:09.925-05:00For another author who seamlessly world builds, Di...For another author who seamlessly world builds, Diana Wynne Jones is brilliant. An example of different culture shaping learning needs I culled from "To Kill a Mockingbird". There's a lovely scene in which the children visit a black church, where most of the congregation can't read and so don't use traditional hymnals. Instead, one man reads out the words line-by-line and everyone else sings them. Maybe an oral society would work best for a civilization in which not everyone has hands.<br /><br />It sounds like your story is largely about Balam. Tysoe could make an excellent narrator as the fairly ordinary centaur dragged into the entourage of a god. Alternately, you could cast Balam himself as the narrator, since it's his war.<br /><br />I think it would also be helpful to show how humans impact the Olympian dwellers, maybe as slaves or as creatures to be raided. You said that the Olympians need human creativity to keep them alive; I'd like to know more about how that works.<br /><br />It sounds like a really intriguing story, and something that would be right up my alley! I love mythology and fantasy!Rachel6https://www.blogger.com/profile/15138745237488029817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-28293827138863228522013-02-17T14:06:36.652-05:002013-02-17T14:06:36.652-05:00Thanks again for some good insight
Tysoe is my na...Thanks again for some good insight<br /><br />Tysoe is my narator who is present in the time lines to convey the action and the book is written from his perspective. His and the other creatures very existence is threatened if human creativity is destroyed through balam's plan.<br /><br />The principle is Balam and his brother Yeowah have 300 years from 5th May 2012 which is the age of Aquarius to win the rule of Aquarious which we are in now. Balam defeated his brother in a massive battle as the god aries and therefore rules pisces.<br /><br />Balam has groomed Girtab Tetson Wan to be the new ruler for Huamns and if she gets her hands on the the scepter of agememnon she can change the fabric of creation to ensure that creation recognises evil instead of good<br /><br />The group of creatures begin with trying to understand the past and the reason the gods have left, the story moves into the present where Balam does get involved and is a father figure despite being this ruthless god of destruction<br /><br />The charcters find the underground garden of eden made in precious stones and guarded by heaphasteus automatims, Bayard lifts a cloaking spell to find a battle going on for the cup of Jasmuyd. {jasmuyds cups can show where anything is in heaven or on earth]<br /><br />The story progresses through the temple of the morning where the chariots of the sun are kept. So I have woven the stories left behind that we hear and made them into a tale that literally lives inside our existing timeline which is going on basically oblivious to humans except one, dragged in because of his dna.<br /><br />The one liner - The story is a journey to save mankind as the creatures of Olympus require human creativity to keep them alive and as they try and thwart Balam the god of destruction a twist sees the birth of a new adam and eve for aquarius, but is it enough? <br /><br /> <br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11333216373203909870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-84335334323269754922013-02-17T09:42:02.844-05:002013-02-17T09:42:02.844-05:00Gavin, some suggestions on getting some of those d...Gavin, some suggestions on getting some of those details in:<br /><br />Let readers know right away Tysoe is a centaur. Use key words like hands and hooves, have him notice fellow centaurs, etc. Maybe he doesn't run down the hall, he trots. Get those horse details in.<br /><br />If this building is Olympus and non-centaur friendly, let him think about that. Curse the gods for building a place so unfriendly to hooves. Maybe this is proof that humans did rule the Earth at some point. <br /><br />You can't assume readers will know what you know. I'm a big fantasy reader, love mythology and horses, so I'd guess I'm in the target audience for this type of book. But all I know about the age of Aquarius is that it was a song from Hair. I never equated gods with astrological signs. I know there are some crossovers with the names, but never thought they were actual gods. And even if I did know all those things, it's not enough to make me read the book. If I wanted to study mythology I'd read a book about mythology. The goal of a novel is to entertain the reader with a great story. <br /><br />So a great story is first and foremost. That's what will compel your readers, and then they'll learn a little about mythology in the process. (but don't "teach" them. Readers don't like that in their fiction) If you pique their interest and they Google elements to learn more that's great, but you cannot expect or require them to do so to understand the book. <br /><br />If the story is about the gods battle for control, then where does Tysoe fit in? If the story is about the gods, why isn't a god the main character? Is this about the gods and that battle or about other characters whose lives are disrupted by this battle?<br /><br />What is the one-sentence pitch that describes this novel?Janice Hardyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-20253651162026593462013-02-17T05:27:50.712-05:002013-02-17T05:27:50.712-05:00First of all thanks to Janice for the time and tro...First of all thanks to Janice for the time and trouble and insight it is really appreciated.<br /><br />The one comment though they are in Olympus which was built for the gods not for the creatures left behind , hence the unfriendly marble etc.<br /><br />Thanks for commenting and taking time it is appreciated as well<br /><br />I feel the book must want to compell people to read regardless of genre and topic but was stumped when crits on open crit sites had no clue about The age of aquarius for instance.This is the main story is that the gods are fighting to rule aquarius as Balam won Pisces which is the age we are in. <br /><br />Thanks Giora I am going to read and re read all the advice untill it is in my pores and then start and edit. I have actually written the entire story over 2 books but have not ocncerned my self with grammatical edits untill I am convinced the story is the best that it can be<br /><br />Tysoe is a he and a centaur. My charcters are Bayrd the talking horse and mage<br />Tysoe the centaur<br />Haziun a flying horse travels through the akashic<br />Horatio a selinius<br />Horace a mythical crature<br />Girtab Tetson Wan a titan snake goddess<br />etc<br /><br />I have engaged some real mythological personalities who can obviously be googled etc to add more depth. bayrd too is a real mythalogical animal<br /><br /><br /><br /> Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11333216373203909870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-67088239598699952252013-02-16T14:17:57.236-05:002013-02-16T14:17:57.236-05:00Interesting ideas. What I really want to know is w...Interesting ideas. What I really want to know is what kind of creature the narrator is! I appreciate knowing that sort of information immediately so I can hook myself into the character. You wouldn't have to say, "I'm a horse", just give obvious little details - eg, "my hooves made small explosions of sound as I raced down the hallway."<br /><br />If the narrator is a horse too, then you should cut the part about Bayard being gifted with speech. Infact, you could think about cutting that part anyway - we'll learn it by seeing it, we don't need to be told. By cutting it, you are making a talking horse ordinary for that world - if the narrator has to explain it to us then he obviously thinks it's special - and making strange things ordinary is what creates an authentic fantasy milieu. A good person to read for examples of this is China Mieville.<br /><br />The only other thing is that you might want to think about your commas, which are sometimes misplaced. This may be a sign that your scene is wanting shorter sentences, as the previous commenter suggested. For example - "Breathless, and trying to regain my poise, as I literally slid through the doorway, I made my way to the lectern where Bayard waited, swishing his tail with impatience." You could chop this sentence up into three or four, and show rather than tell us what is happening. Eg, how does Tysoe regain his poise? (This would be an opportunity to reveal more character.)<br /><br />I enjoyed reading this. I liked the sense I got of Tysoe as s/he hurried through the hallway. I'd want to read more. :-)<br /><br />sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03818420999930644450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-23860514495880703232013-02-16T11:20:08.468-05:002013-02-16T11:20:08.468-05:00It's interesting to have an horse as a teacher...It's interesting to have an horse as a teacher, so I like to read. But, if you are worried that you readers lose interest, then you better jump quickly to the story. You might want to skip the first 9 line and star with .. "Breathless, and trying .. swishing his tail with impatience. My lecturer is a large horse gifted with speech." You can also cut other sentences in order to cut quickly to the lecture.<br />If I was doing this, I will start the novel like this<br />"The history of the human race is complicated .." That's how my boss, a horse gifted with speech, started his lecture.<br />Best wishes with the novel.G.M.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02652216131823877445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-13721004009481154042013-02-16T10:15:28.485-05:002013-02-16T10:15:28.485-05:00I also wanted to add to Janice's comments abov...I also wanted to add to Janice's comments above with a short story of my own. I'm a fantasy reader — it's my first choice when I head to the book store. <br /><br />But in college I took a writing class where only 2 of the other people in the class knew anything about the genre. <br /><br />One of them attempted to write a fantasy book for our group critiques. Most of the class didn't get it at all. I understood it — I understood how other books in that genre build a world and the various terms and what not that she was using and explaining via context were things I picked up on that other students did not.<br /><br />SO if the esoteric terms are things non-fantasy readers aren't getting, don't fret so much or worry so much about explaining backstory. It is something that's very particular to the genre. Make sure at least a few of your critique readers are actually <i>fantasy readers </i> and enjoy the genre so they're accustomed to the way it builds. <br /><br />That said, of course you still want to build a good story and I agree with all of Janice's advice :-)Melissa Breauhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05968003684041118497noreply@blogger.com