tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post3493889810980689010..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at a Historical Fiction OpeningJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-16880717885608146162020-03-14T12:29:25.445-04:002020-03-14T12:29:25.445-04:00Like Maria said, this is a good dramatic moment fo...Like Maria said, this is a good dramatic moment for a story to start, that isn't clear enough on what's going on.<br /><br />For instance, hoisting the wineskin gave me the same problem in a different form: I pictured a small skin and Elijah as a child small enough to have trouble with it.<br /><br />For a scene like this --especially with the umpteen pressures of opening a story-- the key might be to look very deeply and slowly at everything that's going on that you need to show. You have a good focus for the scene, so what does the reader need to understand for every instant as Elijah's attention moves through it, to let us appreciate it all? What's vital for the story (is that "line of girls" as sinister as it sounds?), what misunderstandings could a reader have if you don't plug them, and which descriptions does the reader want some detail in (or a moment of real zing) just because that thing is interesting enough to deserve it? Line by line, moment by moment, what do you need to keep this perfectly on track without losing momentum?<br /><br />Two other thoughts:<br /><br />The wineskin opening line has another way it could be improved: since it's just one instant away from an actual scream, it would be much stronger to put the scream itself in that line. (Something like "It was the scream that made Elijah drop..." or "Elijah had almost wrestled the wineskin up when he heard the scream.") If you had reasons to start the story a whole minute before the scream, the wineskin is a unique enough moment to start with on its own (if it's clearer), but with the scream so close it feels unnatural to separate them.<br /><br />The other is the second-last paragraph, that's so full of detail about the brothers and their mother. We're about to get some reaction about the girl in need, so this is an awkward time to slow down for background. (At least, for *much* background -- it's common to have a fast few paragraphs and then squeeze in a detail or two now that we're hooked. Just a mention of Nathan and Elijah's heights together here might work, for instance. But five lines of it that include a thought of their mother is simply too much in the middle of things.)<br /><br />You have your finger on the heart of this scene, and probably the whole story here. The next step is doing the work so the reader can see it as clearly as you do.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com