tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post3435861730914851056..comments2024-03-17T06:03:00.362-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Crime Fiction Opening Hook You?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-27329028818737872852018-07-07T12:15:28.953-04:002018-07-07T12:15:28.953-04:00Personally, I would've cut most of it and star...Personally, I would've cut most of it and started at the point where Cheetah and Bug meet. Perhaps a few sentences showing her annoyance and that the cold contributes to her annoyance. The weather stuff was too much unnecessary information. Also, 'unseasonal weather' of the Windy City would be heat, not cold. And much of the description makes her sound very young, like teenager. Her feet feeling like Popsicles, etc. <br /><br />Neither character seemed very sympathetic or relate-able either. Was she the (soon to be) victim or hero? I really couldn't tell. <br /><br />I think it would've been more effective to open with Azul, pushing her out of the car and ordering her to do this thing with Bug and then leaving her there in the cold street, in her skimpy outfit - maybe even unexpectedly, which would explain why she wasn't dressed for the occasion.<br /><br />Anyway, lots of ways this could have gone - I don't think was the best way though.<br /> Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-22070504394874933892018-07-07T10:47:33.377-04:002018-07-07T10:47:33.377-04:00Thanks Laurie...you picked up on that right away :...Thanks Laurie...you picked up on that right away :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-17846269523647293372018-07-07T10:46:02.659-04:002018-07-07T10:46:02.659-04:00Thanks for the critique. I mentioned when I submit...Thanks for the critique. I mentioned when I submitted to Janice that I originally started with the antagonist murdering someone, but read in so many writing books to start with the Protagonist. This is a minor re-write to do so. <br />She is actually a cop on her first big undercover assignment to nab a drug lord. So she had established this relationship with Bugs much earlier. It is the impetus that launches her into a chance to be a homicide detective (that plays out in chapter 4) her true goal throughout the book. As Maria mentioned, this will most likely be revealed in the back cover, so I am thinking a reader might put the two together early on. She hates "dressing up" (which also plays out later in another way) and hates the assignment..hence the emphasis on the clothing. Also, she has OCD quirks throughout the book...kicking at the trash hints at that...guess I should add so her boots don't get dirty :)<br />The last sentence of the chapter reveals her identity as a police officer.<br />I know it's hard to get all that in 250 words:) but I appreciate knowing the things that aren't working this early on. Thanks for taking the time to comment. Wish I could submit more for review :) <br /><br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-47141187259224019962018-07-07T10:13:28.982-04:002018-07-07T10:13:28.982-04:00I thought she was a cop working undercover.I thought she was a cop working undercover.Laurie Michttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06748255683738793490noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-41468703196162075422018-07-07T10:06:27.372-04:002018-07-07T10:06:27.372-04:00An opening like this strikes me as risky, taking a...An opening like this strikes me as risky, taking a whole page mostly for atmosphere. Authors used to take that long or longer, and established ones still get away with it, but modern readers have trouble with a slow start. Cheetah has a few thoughts during the walk that establish her basics, but they don't give us enough to make the moment unique. (And they don't, like Maria suggests, dig into her fear enough to let that carry the moment.) Finally, weather description is a sore subject for many readers who don't like slow openings like this.<br /><br />So I'd suggest starting the story sooner, or making more specific use of the minutes she's walking. Some readers might not mind this, but too many want more faster-- not necessarily a gunshot at the start, but an immediate sense of what's unique about her problems and herself.<br /><br />One other thing: she calls him Bugs (Bunny), but then he calls her a scared jackrabbit. That's the kind of coincidence that might make readers stop and think how many separate rabbit references are there (it would be different if he directly said "you're acting more like a rabbit than me"), and also that with him calling her Miss Cheetah that's three animal references in a few lines. They're small things, but they push the reader out of the story itself, so you might want to find a non-animal way for him to mention her nervousness.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com