tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post3413001749778695299..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Women’s Fiction Opening Work? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-83920757889063443212018-01-07T18:28:49.947-05:002018-01-07T18:28:49.947-05:00As Maria noted, when Vanessa heard the crackle of ...As Maria noted, when Vanessa heard the crackle of thunder of the approaching storm she worried that she would have enough time to lock her horse in the barn .. then hiked calmly to a tree stump and started to read yesterday's mail. That threw me out of the story. As did most of what she told about her horse. I have seen a horse extend one front leg and bend the other in a bow, but that was in some performance.Mike Cipollanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-25010763080216235892018-01-06T18:01:10.945-05:002018-01-06T18:01:10.945-05:00In addition to what's been said, I won u '...In addition to what's been said, I won u 's use sentences 3 and 4 to begin. These are your books. Then follow with t h sentence 1. Two could be deleted. We see emotion when she gets the letter, which is good. I would keep reading. Overall it works.Pamelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10641800481681697132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-27987819267687538592018-01-06T10:45:33.590-05:002018-01-06T10:45:33.590-05:00As mentioned, this opening is certainly lyrical an...As mentioned, this opening is certainly lyrical and wonderfully descriptive. But as a lifelong horse owner, I had the same issues with these details as the critiquer: Horses don't generally drop to their knees unless they are getting ready to lie down or are circus trained; If a horse eats all the apples they want they will end up with a killing colic; Mention of the riding boots and then the stroll described as a hike (unmounted) is confusing. <br /><br />Much, however, about the character is revealed in these few short paragraphs, and that's not an easy feat to accomplish. The "hook" at the end of the letter and a bad memory makes me want to read on. <br /><br />For women's fiction? Yes, I believe overall it works. I just feel more research is needed by the author about horses and riding in order to maintain reader trust.Claire Gemhttp://www.clairegem.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-3221158277898822882018-01-06T10:03:04.425-05:002018-01-06T10:03:04.425-05:00This is a marvelously lyrical set of descriptions,...This is a marvelously lyrical set of descriptions, and does a lot to give the sense of how capable the character is.<br /><br />It leaves me wondering one thing, though: should that be all it does for the first page or so? In most genres there'd be a push to show a hint of the story from the start, some sense of change or trouble coming. This is the kind of opening that makes a non-women's-fiction reader like me wonder if this is one of the few genres where a whole starting page of pure mood really is what its readers want.<br /><br />Since this seems like a sad anniversary, a sense of what happened could be in Vanessa's thoughts from the start, just a few hints that play off of the ride that comforts her.<br /><br />Or maybe it works best as is. The untainted version here does paint a layered, appealing picture of a person we'd all find it interesting to be. If the genre makes that better than an early hint of what's coming, it works well.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com