tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post3055260448580932820..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at Show, Don't Tell in an Opening PageJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-62324476324677065722020-06-23T18:52:54.602-04:002020-06-23T18:52:54.602-04:00Given time to think about it, I might go with &quo...Given time to think about it, I might go with "She's in one of those old Western towns our grandparents would have seen on their black and white screens." I think (hope) that that's just on the right side of too much, because this passage is quite poetic anyway, and the rhyme isn't perfect.Sasha Andersonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-76720027814611125612020-06-23T06:12:33.056-04:002020-06-23T06:12:33.056-04:00With the caveat that precise word choice is probab...With the caveat that precise word choice is probably one of the last things we should all worry about, I wanted to be a bit nitpicky on the first paragraph, because I really like it! There seems to be a mix of formal/informal that I found a bit jarring, so here's what I would do (but feel free to ignore - it's your voice, after all!)<br /><br />Cut the first 'that' and probably the second. Maybe switch 'television' to 'TV'? (Not sure, it just doesn't read right to me). Cut 'The ones with', and probably 'and' from the same sentence. Cut 'going' and 'were'. So it ends up like this:<br /><br />"I’ve seen her for the last five nights. She looks lost. Like everyone she knows has disappeared. She’s in one of those old Western towns our grandparents would have seen on black and white TV. Stores, a saloon, a doctor’s office made from decaying, unpainted wood. A dirt road through the center of town. Two chestnut-brown horses hitched to a post, but nobody in sight."<br /><br />Unfortunately in the second paragraph I got confused (but I would disagree with Maria and keep 'had on' instead of 'wore'), and after that I found it quite disorienting to be thrown straight into the present day. Perhaps that's because I liked the picture you'd painted of the town so much that I wanted to stay there... Maybe you could draw it out for a bit longer and then show Tom waking up instead of skipping straight to the sandwich shop?Sasha Andersonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-83808080729058242652020-06-20T12:55:12.616-04:002020-06-20T12:55:12.616-04:00Thanks, brave author, for submitting your work. Ho...Thanks, brave author, for submitting your work. Hope there’s something of use for you in the feedback:<br /> <br />1. Is it better as first person or should it be written as third person<br />Author preference. <br />I didn’t have a preference as I read. Whichever way you do it, the writing needs to be clear and the opening compelling. Since I don’t really understand what’s going on, it’s hard to say.<br /> <br /> <br />2. Should I develop the main character before this segment or is this okay as a start of a story.<br />At least give us a reason to speculate why this main character is having this dream (by the way, it’s completely unclear that it’s a dream until the 2nd paragraph. When I started reading, I assumed the main character was a man, but then when Brian reached out to touch his hand I thought it was a woman, then Brian calls the character Tom. So I was very confused. I don’t typically see guys being that touchy feely with each other (though I’m sure there are always exceptions). Is part of the confusion perhaps because this is all over lost sleep over one period of time? Would it be different if Brian had noticed changes in Tom BEFORE this lunch session, i.e. ongoing issue? I’m just trying to see a rationale for even the joking mental health benefits reference, since they don’t appear to have had this type of conversation before.<br /> <br />3. Is there too much telling?<br />I’m not sure it’s a matter of too much telling as it is a lack of clarity. Confusion about who the main character is (he/she), confusion in not knowing it’s a dream until the 2nd paragraph, confusion as to why this matters to the main character as we have no idea of even a hint of the conflict. Confusion because we have no idea of this character’s age group (and that matters because of the type of the dream they’re having--if this is a 20 something, I find the dream highly unlikely--they’re just not clued in on good old western shows).<br /> <br />4. Would you want to keep reading?<br />I was interested in the first paragraph--thinking this was going to be some kind of story that starts out in an old western town--a bit of a mystery maybe. But after that, realizing it’s a dream, and not having any idea why this matters to the main character, I lost my curiosity. I’d probably give it one more page to see if I got a clearer picture of what was going on and of the character. After that? Not sure I’d continue.<br /><br />If I had to guess, I would bet that the true story start of this work will end up being after this scene. I got the impression that this was one of those pages we writers write for ourselves to get our story jumpstarted, then you go back and cut the scene later or revise it when you really find your story rhythm. But that is only speculation on my part. I’m not the author and I don’t know what the story concept is. Best wishes to you on your project!<br />BKhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14347297074791079439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-54137380519808372972020-06-20T11:46:46.840-04:002020-06-20T11:46:46.840-04:00An interesting start. I'll have to think about...An interesting start. I'll have to think about that. I know that I have to rewrite the beginning but I kept writing so that I wouldn't lose the ideas. If fact I think I'm going to rewrite everything before I get too much farther. Thank you for your idea.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-25876058809685098772020-06-20T11:33:46.899-04:002020-06-20T11:33:46.899-04:00Thanks for the comments Ken. It has me thinking.
I...Thanks for the comments Ken. It has me thinking.<br />I have to rethink the story a bit based on both your comments and Maria’s.<br />The original story idea is science fiction based and the dream is an escape from his real life problems that he is forced into. He goes back and forth between the dream world and reality until they eventually merge. Both of your comments, especially yours, raise interesting ways to get that to happen. But I probably need to set up the foundation more so that it makes more sense.<br />Thank you for your insight.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-34054384762253729532020-06-20T11:10:08.809-04:002020-06-20T11:10:08.809-04:00I would start the novel with "As I...who is s...I would start the novel with "As I...who is she?" Bring the dream sequence in later. I would read more. The telling has been pointed out. Pamelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10641800481681697132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-7059952999874798002020-06-20T11:01:10.702-04:002020-06-20T11:01:10.702-04:00This has real potential, depending on how you see ...This has real potential, depending on how you see the story going.<br /><br />I've always thought the single strongest thing a story can have is a good synergy between the character and the situation. So I like the dream, but I do think the afterward with Tom and Brian doesn't add as much to it.<br /><br />Actually, I'm making an assumption: that the dream is some kind of paranormal hint. That's purely because it's well told, so I don't *want* it to be an ordinary dream -- because those *are* overused as story openings. Readers have seen too many times where a regular dream just isn't a clear anchor for what the story is, so they have a low tolerance for dreams. This would work best if it had a hint that there's something beyond the normal going on, hopefully right after Tom wakes up or sooner. (Or if it's not, you want to be laser-precise about how his dream relates to his own issues, so readers can except that it's a *well-chosen* ordinary dream.)<br /><br />Nitpick: the last sentence of the first paragraph has a "were" in it, but the sentences before it left that out, for a more timeless feel. It would be smoother to stay in that grammar until you get to the next paragraph.<br /><br />Mainly: you want this scene (or pair) to be absolutely the right launching point for the story. What does the dream point to, or rather what does it look like right now and how does it compare to what mystic or psychological truth is waiting behind it? and, how do those compare to what Tom is now? This is why Tom having a basic lunch and basic worries about dreams doesn't set the story up well: we want to immediately know the Big First Thing about Tom that makes him an interesting person to have this kind of dream.<br /><br />The girl is calling out names, and he's not part of that but he wants to help. Are you setting up that he's an outsider to her world (so far), or that he feels left out of life and wants to do more? was there someone in his own life that he couldn't help, or a set of missing people? Those are just a few things this dream could be doing, as either a dream or a vision. If this is your opening, it needs to be because it's the ideal place to start your story, and what we learn about Tom immediately feeds or contrasts with it.<br /><br />Is Tom eager to get involved in that world or analyze those feelings, or is he happy or busy with his own life and thinks they're a distraction? What other ways could this go? And note, a dream isn't like most openings where you could drop a character into a unique situation and squeeze in a line like "this was no place for a shy accountant like me" to give us a sense of him on the fly. In a dream, his memory of who he is would feel indirect: you want to make it strong enough just through how he *reacts* to what he dreams, even though at the moment that need is his natural state rather than something he'll stop and think about. If you can convey that during the dream, we'll wait around for him to wake up and the next (carefully chosen) scene to give us clearer details about him.<br /><br />You describe the dream well. I hope that as you work this story out (or maybe once you've finished it and you're certain), you make sure the dream and the scene that follows it are the right one-two to start it all perfectly.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-51453474204067840632020-06-20T08:23:19.723-04:002020-06-20T08:23:19.723-04:00Thanks for the critique. This started out by combi...Thanks for the critique. This started out by combining two successive writing prompts that I saw in a writing prompt book. I have ideas of where I want to take it but I obviously need to rewrite the beginning, in many places, as you pointed out. I may resubmit it at some point. Thanks for the advice about where to start.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com