tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post2784063407647864943..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at the Importance of Clarity on the Opening PageJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-21252908775601811372021-05-02T04:23:40.453-04:002021-05-02T04:23:40.453-04:00"Which like Atticus and his daughter, Scout, ..."Which like Atticus and his daughter, Scout, would only exist inside Harper Lee's glorious mind if she were not a writer."<br /><br />Here's how I interpreted this: If Harper Lee were not a writer, these characters would only exist in her own head. Since she was a writer, the characters also exist in the heads of everyone who reads the book.<br /><br />But I agree: clarity issues throughout.Sasha Andersonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-47796808496545557892021-05-01T21:22:06.382-04:002021-05-01T21:22:06.382-04:00There were some good lines in here, like the one a...There were some good lines in here, like the one about reading (relatable!) But, like some of the other commenters, I was really put off by the way Allison gets described and the selfish reasons Honey has for not helping her. It makes Honey quite unlikeable. On the very first page, this is unfortunately going to lead to DNFs.<br /><br />I'm guessing you put in the stuff about Allison because you need a reason for Honey to refuse Allison's mother. In which case, this is easy to fix. If something tragic has just happened to Honey and she's grieving, that would help us feel more sympathetic to her refusal to leave her room. (But we'd need to know this up front before anything else happens.) Alternatively, Honey could have some good reasons for refusing Allison's mother's request: you hinted she doesn't feel safe outside (lack of sidewalks, darkness) so maybe she doesn't want to put Allison in danger (which would add nice foreshadowing if Allison's mother is about to have Very Bad Things happen to her); Honey's reading a school book so maybe she has a test tomorrow to study for; since it's Halloween and she's in high school she could have already promised she'd meet a friend later, be getting ready for a party, etc. Reasons like these would make me sympathise with Honey and make Allison's mother come across as unreasonable. This would make Honey much more likeable and add tension as we'd wonder if she's going to be roped into something dangerous/undesirable/damaging to her studies/friendships.<br /><br />How exciting that you got a full request! I hope this goes really well for you. All the best!NLiuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00184714542401822508noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-83077272706413834372021-05-01T21:18:08.437-04:002021-05-01T21:18:08.437-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.NLiuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00184714542401822508noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-36522359304031638602021-05-01T14:40:11.357-04:002021-05-01T14:40:11.357-04:00Many thanks to Janice and her wonderful writing co...Many thanks to Janice and her wonderful writing community. I will make changes. Good suggestions to either start with "There's nothing I like better than reading. . . ." OR the mother's death. As you can see, I've struggled with the opening of this book. I think the rest flows well. In fact, there is an agent full request for this book. Jodihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09614280970778189774noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-73867097518110934282021-05-01T13:48:50.207-04:002021-05-01T13:48:50.207-04:00What if you started with "There's nothing...What if you started with "There's nothing I like better than reading. Nothing bad ever happens when you're reading. All the bad things happen to other people"...and then let the world intrude? That sentence has a real voice, and it makes me wonder about her, what happened to her? What is she avoiding with her nose in a book (which is how I survived my childhood, so I can relate!)? Instant empathy. I agree with the other commenters that the story you described sounds intriguing but the opening is confusing. I didn't get "At seven, Allison outweighed..." My initial impression was you meant 7:00, a time cue,not the child's age, so I had a --wait, what?-- interuption.I lie that you have strong women characters.<br />Keep going! I want to know what happens. JPnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-996329737426657102021-05-01T10:39:39.269-04:002021-05-01T10:39:39.269-04:00First of all, I liked the writing style. Good word...First of all, I liked the writing style. Good word flow and voice. However, I agree about all the "scene" jumping which is distracting because we're trying to tie everything together in our minds, but have little context with which to do so.<br /><br />Some other little "nit-pick" items not mentioned: I've gotten the impression Honey lives in an apartment, so saying Allison's mom kept banging the screen door threw me off. Also, when she enters, she talks to Honey like an angered parent, not a neighbor who wants help with her daughter. Even if she's annoyed with Honey, she seems too nasty.<br /> <br />Would it make sense to start the book with Honey "reading" someone? That would pull us in...then maybe we could get back to how she discovered this gift. I'm not sure this opening scene would grab a YA to continue reading. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-20113890424867297502021-05-01T10:12:46.702-04:002021-05-01T10:12:46.702-04:00It seems this opening is trying to get us to the l...It seems this opening is trying to get us to the last sentence - that someone is going to go missing, die, or have something else happen to them. I would ask why is this important? Is this the hook/inciting incident that will drive the story?<br /><br />If Allisons' mother disappearing is the inciting incident (or is it Allison?) then I would think perhaps it's landing too soon, as we are not yet grounded in the story. With so much information thrown out on the first page, it becomes confusing. What I would like to know on this first page is something about Honey, where we are, why is a neighbor yelling for her, who is home with Honey...<br /><br />The Halloween scene doesn't seem to connect with anything else here. The way Honey talks about wheeling Allison about does make her seem mean - we want our readers to connect and to follow our protagonist - think how this opening addresses those two objectives.<br /><br />Looking at the summary (which a reader would not know when the open the book) it has a lot of things going on. I'm wondering if narrowing it down to what would appear on a book cover might give the opening and the story more clarity. <br /><br />The first page needs to grab the readers attention, but it also needs to ground the reader - make them curious enough to want to follow the protagonist on a journey. Thinking about that might help shift and focus this opening piece.<br /><br />Openings take a long time to perfect, many authors write multiple ones trying to decide which works best. With some more tries and flushing out your story, I am sure you will land upon an opening that hooks the reader and gives your book a great start. Good luck! Lynne Gobioffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16463790317957093730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-78175389945909599612021-05-01T09:50:48.620-04:002021-05-01T09:50:48.620-04:00I agree, this isn't set up as well as it wants...I agree, this isn't set up as well as it wants to be. The idea of a teenage girl who chooses reading over helping a pushy neighbor is a good start, but this isn't coming across well... although there's a reason it could.<br /><br />I have to say, there's a lot of rich detail in this scene. Alison and her trick-or-treating experience seem very real, and Honey's love of the book comes through. Janice has a lot to say about making these clearer and easier to follow, but I do like the sheer grasp of detail that produced them.<br /><br />But, it's HARD to make a first scene about not helping someone in a wheelchair, period. Yes it's "not helping" and drawing boundaries rather than trying to be mean to Alison, but it's still aiming the laser pointer of that first scene at a wheelchair and a protagonist on the wrong side of that moment. You can lose readers right there, and it's hard to see how the choice will help you with any readers who stay.<br /><br />Is Alison's wheelchair necessary? If she's just an ordinary kid, it's easier to understand Honey saying no, and then the mother's demands do make Honey sympathetic. The same's true if the mother isn't asking Honey for trick-or-treating help and she seems to be acting weird for her own reasons. That might not even be what the mother wanted at all -- but since the candy route is what you talk about first, we assume that's what this is about, and so we blame Honey.<br /><br />Another method would be to mention the mother's death/disappearance from the start. That would still put Honey in the same ugly starting position but keep it in the shadow of something much bigger, and just saying it implies from the start that she'll take right side when it matters. (Then how Honey treated them becomes darkly ironic, and might be just what you're going for -- if we got that full context sooner.) It also has the benefit most stories gain by mentioning their larger conflict in the first lines: some stories can just use the immediate clarity about where they're going.<br /><br />Alison and her mother are pretty much the only things I can comment on here, because they're the only things in this page besides Honey's love of a familiar book. From the summary this seems like an exciting, multilayered novel with a lot going on, and it may be that this section simply ended before it showed how it connected to one of those threads.<br /><br />You do make this moment feel real. I wish I knew how it led into the story itself, and that it managed its impressions to suit that.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com