tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post2681410148725646178..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: What Do You Think About the Voice in This Scene?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-71969217304750537182019-06-09T11:05:59.885-04:002019-06-09T11:05:59.885-04:00I was perplexed by the passage about the lottery a...I was perplexed by the passage about the lottery and green cards too. However, I suspect there is something funny in it and I want to understand what it is. Find a different way to say it maybe? Or expand on it to explain maybe?<br /><br />This character, Ksenia is so intriguing. Please keep it in 1st person present. Glynis Jollyhttps://ascriptedmaze.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-32916810999705952432019-06-08T10:02:26.252-04:002019-06-08T10:02:26.252-04:00Alien, whaaat?
That's the kind of doozie of a...Alien, whaaat?<br /><br />That's the kind of doozie of a first line that makes us think they story's going to get crazy, and may or may not have actual green men in it. It's excellent, but you may quickly walk it back to say the story's a little more grounded and a little less nonsensical. And you want to be sure you can tie it to which kind of alien you mean quickly-- the genre says it could be a green one, the character says it could just be a TSA argument.<br /><br />On the one hand, I do love the tone here. Being able to go from that line to a *Hamilton* reference so quickly does make for a savvy, fun character. On the other, it makes the character a quintessential American, whose fun comes from being so aware of our daily life. I'm not an expert on writing teenage Russians, but the Ksenia side of her feels crowded out.<br /><br />The details of the Hamilton paragraph stopped me cold too. "Four hundred sixteen lotteries later" just doesn't have what we need to orient this line to the story, and we want that quick understanding whenever you throw something that off-the-wall in. And that paragraph is so close to your start, it can do real damage to your first impression if you aren't sure you can make it work smoothly; it may be a "darling" you have to kill. But if it can be clearer, it's delightfully whimsical.<br /><br />I think you've got a delicate but promising road ahead. Your style is a lot of fun-- it'll probably be a little different once the story settles into its subject, but talk of snipers and proud names makes me think you can get more serious while staying interesting. (We haven't gotten to the alien, and/or the fantasy yet!) As you do, you want to be sure you balance the Very Contemporary Girl with the Russian tones that ought to be distinct about her. And you need to be very careful your whimsy doesn't leave us wondering what just happened.<br /><br />I know I'd want to read more. Even without the alien.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-44862299087463374932019-06-08T09:56:23.845-04:002019-06-08T09:56:23.845-04:00The 1st person works. The voice is good. I get a f...The 1st person works. The voice is good. I get a feel for the protagonist.Pamelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10641800481681697132noreply@blogger.com