tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post2642313383197641528..comments2024-03-17T06:03:00.362-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Opening Bore or Interest You to Read More?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-45878335247868366712018-09-16T09:53:45.258-04:002018-09-16T09:53:45.258-04:00Knowing this is a rewrite of other scenes helps sp...Knowing this is a rewrite of other scenes helps spotlight how tricky it is. You've spliced together several moments (the letter, the ring, plus the sense of last night's practice and whatever led up to the ring) into an exciting synergy. But you also have to lay out the emotional flow and the whys and hows behind this combination, as if it were the first time.<br /><br />I agree, revealing that the "basement" is a studio and already in use would help to tie things together, if it came almost immediately after noticing the note. That would explain why Emma's at the basement and how much getting to work is the context for her dealing with the note-- it also raises the question, how'd Richard (or more likely his agents) get inside?<br /><br />I agree with Maria, so much about "debt" and "creditor" makes Emma's reluctance seem naive. Is it more that after so many years she'd talked herself into believing Richard wouldn't call in that debt, and maybe it's the kind of favor he might have never needed to use?<br /><br />On the other hand "I don't need more drama" is just the right first tone for noticing that ring. (Though it does look odd with no sense of what the box is lying on.)<br /><br />Mostly, I'd say think hard about seeing this through new eyes. Forget that it's some of your past scenes reshuffled, and work out what a reader needs to see or understand at each moment for it to feel complete, and above all how Emma feels going through it. You have a lot to cover in a short time (the price of a scene that triggers so many events at once), but you want to be sure the balance and the texture really are what a reader needs to see the first time.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-36463835422454858252018-09-15T20:54:40.159-04:002018-09-15T20:54:40.159-04:00I felt the opening line came out of nowhere. Emma...I felt the opening line came out of nowhere. Emma gets "stopped," but we didn't even know that she was going anywhere. A little scene setting and characterization, might help: tell us where she's headed (back to the studio) and perhaps hint at her internal state (too little sleep? is she looking forward to getting back to work?). For example: <br /><br /><br />Hurrying back to the studio, head not yet cleared by four shots of espresso, I stopped mid-stride before the door. Panic swept away the cobwebs: a black envelope was taped to the doorknob. A note from Grandfather. A reminder of my promise of five years past. A promise I'd desperately hoped he'd forgotten. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-60429565094895538712018-09-15T12:35:46.153-04:002018-09-15T12:35:46.153-04:00messy but might be good storymessy but might be good storyLuigi Kleinsasserhttp://luigik.com.mxnoreply@blogger.com