tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post2585765248290452909..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: New Writer Nerves: Am I Doing This Right? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-20817245466954076132014-10-19T17:00:08.658-04:002014-10-19T17:00:08.658-04:00Thank you both for the kind words. I'll play a...Thank you both for the kind words. I'll play around with the hyphens and also removing unnecessary text. I'm trying to make the transition from reader to writer and truthfully never really considered POV. The articles on this site regarding that are very useful and I will think about everything offered. Thanks again. :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09435815973970077701noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-66316705251859047142014-10-19T15:26:54.216-04:002014-10-19T15:26:54.216-04:00Sorry - 1st post went haywire...
This is a beauti...Sorry - 1st post went haywire...<br /><br />This is a beautiful start! You had me completely entranced and never lost as far as POV goes. Nothing felt slow-moving to me. I loved the short sentences, as they reflected how the old man viewed his surroundings. I immediately knew what you meant by light hairs, but a hyphen would allow readers to grasp that this was an inclusive term.<br /><br />I love that he's a sole survivor and we are becoming part of his experience in legend-gathering.<br /><br />I'm not one to praise without reason - but if I were an agent, I'd jump on this. As an editor? I'd cut my rate just to have the chance to be the first to read your work!<br /><br />This opening, to me, is lusciously languid and rich - only a few hyphens to be popped in. I see/feel no info-dumps and enjoy the small bits of info given that build on the scene and my interest - not everything has to have a reason to exist in the first 200 words. :)<br /><br />Maybe it's just resonating with me...but I think you have a stunning start and am delighted you shared this with us. Thank you!<br /><br />Maria D'Marcohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07909374867721777133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-73376829191099625952014-10-19T15:23:44.911-04:002014-10-19T15:23:44.911-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Maria D'Marcohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07909374867721777133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-28385037942654405642014-10-19T12:17:22.917-04:002014-10-19T12:17:22.917-04:00I love this vignette! I don't know where it o...I love this vignette! I don't know where it occurs in the story, but if it's at the beginning, I'd read more. It gives me the sense of settling in for a grand tale. That said, the scene is now set and I'd want the tale to begin right away - time for some dialog! ;-)<br /><br />'Light hairs' made me go back and re-read the sentence to grasp the context, but I think that could easily be solved with a hyphen. If I had read 'light-hairs', I would have instantly understood that it was a race distinction. Likewise I stopped and backed up at 'Waterleaf wrapped', and that wouldn't have happened to me if it had been hyphenated. I also paused at the capitalization on Waterleaf - is it a brand name in this world? If it's just a common plant name, it wouldn't be capitalized.<br /><br />I don't have a problem with the POV. I tend to prefer tighter POVs, but (in this snippet at least) it felt generally right. I think there were only a couple of sentences that distanced it unnecessarily: "The old man had been surprised to find that the girl and her father spoke the Yahata'ai language." and "Wherever he went, he spoke to the people, learned their history and recorded their legends. He had found that great stories often grew in unexpected places." These seem like a bit of an info-dump, and the snippet loses nothing if they are deleted entirely. If that information is critical to the reader's understanding, it could be worked into the narrative later as it becomes necessary to the story.<br /><br />I'm not bothered by the sentence "From that time to this he had not seen another of his kind." To me it's a little hook that makes me want to read on and find out what his kind is, and what happened to make him the sole survivor.<br /><br />Thanks for a very enjoyable little vignette!Diane Hendershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07563115165301223420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-10956001397272304572014-10-19T11:43:27.191-04:002014-10-19T11:43:27.191-04:00Hi Janice. Thanks very much for the critique. Some...Hi Janice. Thanks very much for the critique. Some of the points you mention - like POV- I knew were problems, but others generated great 'ah-ha!' moments. I really appreciate details like this as they give me specifics I can target.<br /><br />From your comments I also realized that some of my descriptions - like 'light hairs' (an effort to distinguish the racial differences with out saying 'white') is a product of my pantsing. Each chapter is almost an independent scene. A vignette. As a result I am describing or defining something that I would likely have done earlier in the book if I had attacked it with a plan.<br /><br />I have started to work on some minimal outlining. I realize that while I do have a sense of where the story is going - and there are some individually dramatic moments - it moves along in a series of tiny 'pops' rather than escalating tension.<br /><br />Thanks again. It's amazing how much information can be retrieved from a small slice of writing. :) <br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09435815973970077701noreply@blogger.com