tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post2495259033248634289..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: What's Wrong Here? Figuring Out Why a Scene Doesn't Work Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-33277939147103398152012-12-02T21:23:50.480-05:002012-12-02T21:23:50.480-05:00This section definitely felt uneven to me. I would...This section definitely felt uneven to me. I would echo the jarring transition comments above (between paragraphs 1-2). <br /><br />However, the second paragraph feels like it is trying to hard to show contrast and since it is more 'Telly' than 'Showy', it feels forced the way it is currently laid out: dusty-brilliant, every pillar-most sputtered, hushed atmosphere-amplified sound.<br /><br />If this can be evened out and, as Janice mentioned, internalized some, it would work much better. However, credit where it is due, 'sad dust' is a great turn of phrase.<br /><br />Also, the last paragraph has six 'color' descriptors in two sentences: gold, onyx, sapphire, silver, grey, black and fold again. I would try to break those up some by using non-color based descriptors.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing!Aspiring Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08193882613829374832noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-4972524631516165612012-12-01T15:35:23.606-05:002012-12-01T15:35:23.606-05:00I love these. I learn about writing, and I also b...I love these. I learn about writing, and I also become a better critiquer. Thanks!MKHutchinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07715686902529938959noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-78624539070998156152012-12-01T10:45:26.833-05:002012-12-01T10:45:26.833-05:00I think Janice is right that tying the two pieces ...I think Janice is right that tying the two pieces together will really help the readability of the scene. I am very curious about the heroes trapped in a cage. You sort of loose them for a moment when you start describing the palace. I wasn't sure if we were still with the heroine, or if a narrator had taken over. A couple transition sentences might clear that up. Good luck on this one. :)Chicoryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16504144663440678542noreply@blogger.com