tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post2408896881856380264..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Integrating the WorldJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-64716079211071600242011-11-06T00:19:13.472-04:002011-11-06T00:19:13.472-04:00The line starting with "Tribe Chief Pansaku, ...The line starting with "Tribe Chief Pansaku, he'd been stupid" did trip me up but then on second read I thought he was using his chief as a swear. Which, I think if the writer could weave that in a bit smoother is pretty neat.Barb Rudehttp://barbrude.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-15348815302568183572011-10-30T02:00:41.091-04:002011-10-30T02:00:41.091-04:00About the description of the room, Janice is right...About the description of the room, Janice is right - you could describe someone pacing on the straw, or thread it in with action like that. Or back up a few minutes, heightening his apprehension before the decision.<br /><br />For the info, it's fine - we want to know what's going on, what's at stake, and learn about the culture.<br /><br />The one line I didn't get was "Tribe Chief Pansaku, he’d been stupid." I had to read it a few times to get how it fit in. So maybe something like, "Tribe Chief Pansaku had been stupid to set him up like this - sending Dwyth in before he was ready."<br /><br />Good luck!Steve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-37007637807662415282011-10-29T10:48:09.437-04:002011-10-29T10:48:09.437-04:00What a valuable experience! Thanks, Janice, so muc...What a valuable experience! Thanks, Janice, so much for the feedback! It helps so much. And thanks, Kathie, for your ideas/suggestions.Chris Vhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00628682876855958199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-15081352782923496082011-10-29T10:06:22.085-04:002011-10-29T10:06:22.085-04:00I agree with Janice about the description. The dis...I agree with Janice about the description. The distance that the paragraph about the room had bordered on comical. In fact, I would cut everything in that paragraph except "A long silence filled the main room." <br /><br />All the other details are completely unnecessary. And they bog down the scene since they don't do anything. They're just there. <br /><br />Now, if you rephrase the details in such a way as to make them part of the scene it would flow a lot more smoothly. Sorry, I'm not being very clear, but like:<br /><br />"The new straw on the floor poked at his feet, and made each slight fidget into a snapping twig." <br /><br />Or <br /><br />"The buckskin curtain drew aside and his heart sank. It was Zeph, and he wasn't smiling."<br /><br />You see what I mean?Kathie S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/06361735751092314688noreply@blogger.com