tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post2408598383446955345..comments2024-03-17T06:03:00.362-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Planting the Hook: Getting Readers Past the Opening PageJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-27133033204361709082012-02-10T23:47:53.646-05:002012-02-10T23:47:53.646-05:00Sorry to join the party late. I teach middle scho...Sorry to join the party late. I teach middle school, and would have thought this was an adult MC. I felt at a distance. I like the writing - don't get me wrong. I don't feel two normal teen emotions strongly enough. Huge annoyance at being forced to attend a dull adult party without any friends or insecurity about feeling awkward here. You get in there she isn't comfortable, but it feels like an adult uncomfortableness at a party. Remember teens are self-centered developmentally and filter everything through their own introspection. A little more internalization and your close. <br /><br />Remember teens worry a ton - most aren't yet comfortable in their own skin. I liked the part where she felt more comfortable with plants. I think show her trailing away to find solace in the flowers, avoiding the social rigors.<br /><br />Good luck. Opening are SO tough. I have written mine loads of time and I'm still not done. They are important though. I really like Hooked.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03683787289610071946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-20002441086698146132012-02-05T17:14:44.190-05:002012-02-05T17:14:44.190-05:00The great comments keep coming. I've revised i...The great comments keep coming. I've revised it based on what everyone's said, and I think it's an improvement. Thanks so much.Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-26097400239642873092012-02-05T09:44:32.333-05:002012-02-05T09:44:32.333-05:00I think the premise of the story sounds interestin...I think the premise of the story sounds interesting and I'm curious what will happen with the stranger. I like the idea of being more comfortable with plants than people - there is a lot of fodder for the story. I felt distanced from the MC though, and would have liked a bit more of an emotional handle on her, something to make me really care about her and turn the page. I wish there was a clue to what was going to be the main theme of the story. Still, the writing is solid and the premise is interesting. Oh, one other thing, I liked her looking at the plants and wondering who would win - is that foreshadowing?Heather Marstenhttp://www.heathermarsten.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-53927936562527164132012-02-05T07:46:54.419-05:002012-02-05T07:46:54.419-05:00I liked where the scene ended up but I have to adm...I liked where the scene ended up but I have to admit I wasn't hooked until the end. That may be just me, since I kill every plant I come within 10 feet of. So, the beginning description of the garden didn't hook me. What did hook me was how she thought plants are much easier than people. In my opinion, that should be your first line. Then we automatically get a feel for who she is from the get-go. <br /><br />I also found it a bit too reflective. Since this is present tense you need to stay with what the MC is doing at this moment - real time. If those thoughts of status/survival really come to her right then and there, then show us why. Is somebody at the party being snotty to another person, is there a fight? Why does that thought come into her head right then and there. <br />*Correct me if I'm wrong about this - I don't write first person, present tense so I don't have much experience with it*<br /><br />I also want a better feel to why Gregor's eyes are laughing when she mentions death. Does that creep her out? I sure was.<br /><br />Sorry if this seems so negative - I do like it and would continue to read. Even though I'm polar opposites to the MC you've made me curious enough to find out why she prefers plants to people. Good job and thanks for submitting.PattiBuffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07498161550187573134noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-77592188345169033402012-02-05T03:48:36.038-05:002012-02-05T03:48:36.038-05:00I liked it, and would read on, but I'm in my 4...I liked it, and would read on, but I'm in my 40's. However, I spend a great proportion of my waking hours trying to get in touch with my YA self (make of that what you will!) and wonder if it would have intrigued me as much during my misspent yoof.<br /><br />I think you're trying to show us a thoughtful, methodical young woman who feels alienated within her peer group. I'm guessing she's out of step with most of her classmates, as botany is generally not high on their list of interests. <br /><br />Therefore, opening with a line about a professionally landscaped garden is not the best hook for a YA audience, nor is what sounded like the botanical name of a plant (I've never heard of it, but I live in another country, it might be well known in the US for all I know). The opening may have a stronger YA voice if it were in the context of the MC denigrating the hosts' middle-class aspirations, perhaps (paying for a landscaper then neglecting the plants). If it's important to show us her interest in plants right from the start, perhaps the "suvival of the fittest, like high school" (love it!) could come earlier, or even a "beautiful but deadly" observation about plants would strengthen your hook.<br /><br />Hope it helps. and thank you for your courage in submitting.Jo-Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15705983780352542190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-71363841078776834372012-02-04T14:49:42.259-05:002012-02-04T14:49:42.259-05:00I supposed from the start that it was a girl, alth...I supposed from the start that it was a girl, although I kept changing my opinion of her age. <br /><br />I hope you won't be too offended if I say found it difficult to visualise, and I think it would benefit from more showing rather than telling - her touching the plants, smelling them, looking back at the party so there was a more obvious sense of disconnection. I personally prefer a deeper perspective than the one you have given here. For example, I'd change, "checking my watch etc" to "I check my watch. Damn, at least another hour before I can begin harassing Mom to leave. I'm not sure I'll make it that long." And then she can make a personal connection with the deadheads - neglected flowers, or needing more sustenance, or drooping. <br /><br />Also, if that guy doesn't turn out to be a vampire or some other supernatural being, I'll be amazed, lol! ;-) Because I'm a very visual reader, I would have found it good to get more of a physical sense of him straight away - does he stand tall over her? is he smiling? does he suck the evening shadows into his presence (I assume its evening because its dinner time??) Also, you call him a man, which makes me assume its not YA.<br /><br />The other thing is, I like the idea of a heroine who's into plants, although it does feel a little like a set-up (ie, plants are going to be pivotal somehow in the plot) because of how their conversation goes. Maybe I would have them talk a little more before bringing in the plants, so it feels less obvious? And she's got this great interest in them but she describes them as "interesting and pretty" - ? That doesn't jibe with the earlier mention of their names, the obvious deep understanding. If she's being lame about it because she's shy with the guy, then perhaps more needs to be shown about how she feels about him. <br /><br />All of that probably sounds negative, but actually I'd like to read more of this story, so you've hooked me, and that's not easy to do with me! :-) I think anyone who submits an excerpt to public critique is incredibly brave. I wish you luck and fun with continuing to write this :-)sarahnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-75724645335611456792012-02-04T14:32:50.741-05:002012-02-04T14:32:50.741-05:00Thanks to everyone for your comments. I've bee...Thanks to everyone for your comments. I've been playing with the scene based on Janice's comments, and already see improvement. And with the additional suggestions (Dustin-I like the Mad Libs-type idea) I think I can make it even better. And Elizabeth, you're partially right...Gregor is not a nice guy.<br />Janice, with just about 250 (or a little more) words to play with you've given me such great advice. <br />Thank you all!Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-90576039499951054352012-02-04T12:32:47.511-05:002012-02-04T12:32:47.511-05:00Personally, I thought the narrator was female from...Personally, I thought the narrator was female from the start.Chihuahua0http://youngaspiringwriter.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-46436187732665787622012-02-04T11:40:38.480-05:002012-02-04T11:40:38.480-05:00Very brave indeed. Overall, I thought the writing ...Very brave indeed. Overall, I thought the writing was good.<br /><br />I would have thought both Gregor and Becca were in their mid 20's, and I also thought Becca was a man at first. <br /><br />It's a pretty rare thing for teens introduce themselves at a party with first and last names. Unless this is a stuffy/formal party. It's a very adult thing, especially with men.<br /><br />Does she love plants - or gardening? Very different.One is an academic pursuit, one is an activity. It's a good point of clarification and one you could drive home with a few tweaks, but it seems like a love of plants - which feels older.<br /> <br />Dialog is a GREAT place to show age. Here's something you could try (I do this exercise all the time because I mess it up on a regular basis :)).<br /><br />Take these 4 four words/phrases: originally derived, fascinating, interesting and pretty. <br /><br />and replace them with things that show her age/personality.<br /><br />Try a few combinations and see if you can change the tone of Becca quickly- I bet you can. It's like mad libs, but for smarty pants writers :).<br /><br />I would, however keep reading. I need a problem to solve or quest to hook me, but this is a nice start.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing :)Dustin Hansenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15389682465268101443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-65369074246643444022012-02-04T11:22:10.435-05:002012-02-04T11:22:10.435-05:00Overall I liked it, but it reminded me of a lot of...Overall I liked it, but it reminded me of a lot of other teen novels I've read. <br />Personally, the name 'Gregor' made me cringe, because it just screams Vampire!! Not only that, but it made my mind start reading his lines with a cheesy Russian accent. But that's just me, I assume he's foreign, or at least has foreign parents or grandparents. It's an odd name. <br />But I liked the voice. Your MC sounds mature to me, and I prefer a certain amount of maturity in a heroine. I also like that she likes plants. A heroine who cares for the earth is sure to be less self-centered than a lot of teens.Madeleine Milesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-54683095420384326532012-02-04T07:46:46.153-05:002012-02-04T07:46:46.153-05:00The description of the mysterious man makes me thi...The description of the mysterious man makes me think something freaky is about to happen. Am I right? I'd make sure the conversation really gets down to nuts and bolts to hook the reader. Like state immediately what he wants or at least drop some heavy hints. I'm thinking he wants her to help him poison the neighborhood. Ha. I have a good imagination.Elizabeth Dunnnoreply@blogger.com