tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post2381727259830269726..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: One More Look at OpeningsJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-30032482277956491122011-05-29T15:57:05.342-04:002011-05-29T15:57:05.342-04:00I have a couple of small comments of my own. My re...I have a couple of small comments of my own. My reading is that Connor has just been delivered to his tenth school, but no one is there to admit him. If so, he could wonder why Mr. Foster hadn't called ahead, or think about why he's arriving so late. But it doesn't bother me that we don't know for sure why he's there. Simple curiosity about something like that can keep the reader reading for a while.<br /><br />The slight distance from the narrator doesn't bother me either. Like a movie, a book can begin at a bit of distance and then zoom in. Otherwise, always being in very close third person can come to feel claustrophobic at times. For the same reason, it read perfectly fine to me to have "He was the reason Connor" several times. However, on the matter of distance, I think it would be better to say "this hour" and "here" in these two sentences: <br /><br />"The gate was locked, and no one was likely to be out at that hour to hear him and let him in."<br />"...wondering again what he was even doing there."<br /><br />Both these changes would bring us closer to standing in Connor's shoes, HERE at THIS HOUR.<br /><br />I liked the iron bird a lot, and I assume its menace will play out at some point. I agree that a hint about the weather could help. I would cut "or so" from this phrase: "spanning a half dozen or so of the iron bars." A "half dozen" already feels like an approximate number, and adding "or so" just stretches things out.<br /><br />I have two problems with the dogs. One, they don't start barking until well after he's stopped rattling the gate. That doesn't make sense. Second, there's nothing specific about the barking. Could it start with a whine, or break into howls, or end with a slobbering sound? Similarly, could it come from the direction of the dark school building looming on the hill? If you're going to have barking dogs, milk them for all they're worth.<br /><br />One final comment. In the last paragraph, you have Connor turning his back on the bird AS he leans agains the gate. It's difficult to turn and lean at the same time-- this creates a little hiccup in the reader's imagined vision.<br /><br />All in all, though, I think this is a very promising beginning. I would read on.Pennyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17645834949716719099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-74722879047201017982011-05-29T07:13:18.367-04:002011-05-29T07:13:18.367-04:00Angie: Aw, thanks! Maybe next year. I've shown...Angie: Aw, thanks! Maybe next year. I've shown up on the WD blog a few times now in the helpful links, so hopefully I'm on their radar now. <br /><br />Jane: It didn't bother me yet because it's still early in the story (the first page really). I suspect the next section will start talking about his specific problem. There's a nice lead in with Connor worried about being able to take care of himself, and that transitions well into thinking about why he needs to so. Totally guessing of course, but it feels about right and where I'd probably start getting into it. But I do agree that if some clue to that isn't revealed shortly, I'd want to know why.<br /><br />Cold As Heaven: Awesome! <br /><br />Chicory: I think it's off to a good start :)Janice Hardyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-40342000064539564912011-05-28T15:13:09.495-04:002011-05-28T15:13:09.495-04:00I really enjoy this opening. I turned the comment...I really enjoy this opening. I turned the comments over in my head, and I agree that shifting a couple sentences around with the dogs howling makes the scene creepier. :)Chicoryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16504144663440678542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-14409818425487391302011-05-28T13:23:10.376-04:002011-05-28T13:23:10.376-04:00Cool concept, and very good analysis you make.
I...Cool concept, and very good analysis you make. <br /><br />I jumped over to study the guidelines page. Maybe I'll submit something, if I make progress next week >:)<br /><br /><a href="http://cold-as-heaven.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">Cold As Heaven</a>CA Heavenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07558100567878233142noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-78632698507715786592011-05-28T12:54:29.624-04:002011-05-28T12:54:29.624-04:00Thanks so much for being brave and sharing your wo...Thanks so much for being brave and sharing your work with us.<br /><br />I have a question, though. Did it bother anyone else that we didn't know why Connor had to get into the gate? For me, that lowered the stakes. It could just be a personal thing, though.Janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05189670000302710966noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-46754909502562770552011-05-28T09:44:35.627-04:002011-05-28T09:44:35.627-04:00Brave author: As a reader I enjoyed your work. I t...Brave author: As a reader I enjoyed your work. I thought it had tension and I instantly identified with Connor. Thanks for sharing :) I was a little confused by the metal bird also. I had to read it a few times to realize that it was part of the gate. Once I figured it out though I liked the detail.<br /><br />Janice: Thanks for doing this post. I learn something every time you do RLD. Your site should have made it onto Writer's Digest's 101 Best Websites for writers! I would vote for you.Angela Cothranhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09243582290698922119noreply@blogger.com