tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post2366726988125860383..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Do You Connect with This Main Character?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-16562466143128567512018-05-10T12:40:25.952-04:002018-05-10T12:40:25.952-04:00I thought teenager was pretty clear (college stude...I thought teenager was pretty clear (college students don't have periods, they have separate classes; they don't have to sneak out to skip one, and don't have to worry about police/truancy). The job didn't throw me, for I too was a food industry senior rushing to my shift on evenings and weekends. XDSam Millshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12069749673374661798noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-27369604206052714962018-05-05T10:43:24.901-04:002018-05-05T10:43:24.901-04:00I would agree, this is a scene on track to being w...I would agree, this is a scene on track to being what it needs, but not quite getting in everything it should. It's firmly tied into the MC's state of pushing through depression, and it captures that better than many writers, enough to make it appealing. The pain is real, there are specific memories to attach to, and yet the MC's got some sense of moving on. The "boy" (you really need clarity there) comes in at just the right time when the status quo has just been made clear, but before anyone has a chance to think it's lagging.<br /><br />(And I really do like how the MC notices the surroundings when the boy approaches. "The decorator sees the barstools, the bartender sees the crowd, the SEAL sees the exits"-- what a character notices, especially under pressure, is one of the best ways to bring a character to life.)<br /><br />What it could use is a few more hints to make the present a little more tangible. The MC's name should probably pop up in one of those internal lines (like Maria said, "to conjure with"). Maybe a hint of the MC's age ("first period" says regimented high school rather than college to me, but that's a tiny clue) or one mention of say "blood" or "relapse" about what happened to Ben. This section is well done but a little detached in the MC's grief-- which is what it wants to be, but the right two words here and there could add those hints of clarity and put us more fully in that person's head.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-47763125179052739582018-05-05T10:00:52.562-04:002018-05-05T10:00:52.562-04:00Absolutely amazing critique ...
I found it confu...Absolutely amazing critique ... <br /><br />I found it confusing, just of "jumpy" or "clunky" the way it read for me.<br />And the clarity of scene was an issue for me as I read, I kept getting pulled out by the things that didn't fit, or put out of order to help visualize as I read.<br /><br />I like the premise and character intrigues me.<br /><br />Follow that amazing Critiquer's adviceJeff Kinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00667419764890599092noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-52384559055226355962018-05-05T09:29:35.666-04:002018-05-05T09:29:35.666-04:00Not my read interest, but it is well written and h...Not my read interest, but it is well written and hooks. I would stop the first paragraph at "nothing happened", and would use the remaining words a bit later. <br /><br />Well done!Silva Filhonoreply@blogger.com