tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post2243175639409988207..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Easing Readers Into Your Story Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-61636570128746439302015-01-24T17:50:27.914-05:002015-01-24T17:50:27.914-05:00All the items that jarred me from the read have be...All the items that jarred me from the read have been addressed by Janice's comments and the previous comments. I'd like to add to tonyl's comment that as I read, I also tend to "skim" over things that may seem out of place so that I can continue forward.Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-31843953894972271342015-01-24T10:21:57.507-05:002015-01-24T10:21:57.507-05:00I'm with Janice: this could benefit from some ...I'm with Janice: this could benefit from some hints at who the protagonist is, how she's (honestly this seems like a female) seeing the situation, and so on. The kind of thing that she adds when Blackwood,appears, a line here or there that gives us a bit more of the basics of what she wants right now. Probably not much yet (no doubt Blackwood will open up some useful dialog, and you're enjoying this scrabbling around before then), but just a little more.<br /><br />You seem to have written this with the plan of digging deep into the senses to make it intense. That's a powerful promise, especially if it means the rest of the story is something like this detailed; it would tell the reader you'll keep delivering this power and you've written enough of it to do it well. Although like Janice said, some of those details aren't as clear on the page as they may be in your head. <br /><br />I also think you could look at some of your phrases and ask which of its words are adding gritty detail and which are slowing down an impression that's already there. "I fumbled in the darkness for the window latch and forced the window all the way to the top"-- do you need to say it's a "window" latch when five words later she's lifting the window? or that when she raises it it's all the way up? Sometimes these bits strengthen a passage, sometimes they don't.<br /><br />One more thing: I enjoyed her reaction to Blackwood's sinister light, but the way you followed that with "as recognition settled in" sounded a little out of order. You make the latter sounds like it's capturing the moment (or the last instant in a process) that she recognizes him, but that should be before she thinks whether the light suits him. They're strong impressions, but they'd work best if you were sure they were in the best order to build on each other the sense of the moment.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-12149949097709200672015-01-24T09:59:50.242-05:002015-01-24T09:59:50.242-05:00One quick comment: I didn’t feel confusion about t...One quick comment: I didn’t feel confusion about the movement. I saw the narrator move directly from window to cell door following the door creaking. (I ignored the “wall” as it seemed not to fit, LOL. Sorry, it’s what readers do, I guess.) I did wonder about marble bars on the cell door, that seemed out of place, but maybe it’s part of the world-building.<br /><br />There were things that confused me, and Janice, you touched on most of them.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing.tonylhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15317371592063754371noreply@blogger.com