tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post2218684068179695100..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at an Urban Fantasy Short Story OpeningJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-51794878558727080002021-01-17T12:51:57.553-05:002021-01-17T12:51:57.553-05:00Thanks for your thought-provoking comments. You al...Thanks for your thought-provoking comments. You all have given me bunches of grist for the mill. Revision #6 is on its way. Thanks again, all.Paul Egberthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18104116983743620194noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-29318225678119309402021-01-17T12:37:03.881-05:002021-01-17T12:37:03.881-05:00I think Lynne nailed it here: it's Samuel'...I think Lynne nailed it here: it's Samuel's want that's missing.<br /><br />This looks like the skeleton of a good scene to me. Dialog is good (especially in a space-conscious short story) for a fast way to lay out the history and factors that are making up conflict. This tells us what happened and many of the sides of why it matters.<br /><br />What it's missing is the *oomph* between the arguments. Samuel talks about what he's done and what might happen, but this doesn't show the feeling that would get us onboard with it. Is part of his history ("family of sorcerers") a father who's pushing him to get the spells right, or an estate they'll lose if Sam doesn't shape up? Does Sam have a goal he needs the magic for? Or it could be in the description: people have said there's very little setting here, and that could magnify the emotion too if Franklin is surrounded by books Sam may never get to use or Sam starts banging on the table in frustration.<br /><br />One thing in particular: the plot during this scene has nothing specific it's centered on. Can Sam have some particular hope or fear about his training, that does or doesn't happen, or some other twist to it? The remedial training could be that: Sam is hoping there's a less humiliating way, or he doesn't even consider that and is shocked that Franklin things he needs it. Or something else, but anything that makes the course of the conversation more specific.<br /><br />This scene gives us the *facts* of where Sam is right now. Can it weave in the feelings, and the past or future that they're tied to, that makes us care more about what these mean?Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-20650882372598959742021-01-17T11:29:33.773-05:002021-01-17T11:29:33.773-05:00The first thing I notice is the dialogue feels off...The first thing I notice is the dialogue feels off - I don't know if two friends would talk to each other like this - and are they really friends or is Franklin an older person who is "friendly" to Samuel. <br /><br />I don't get a sense of Samuel wants - we, as readers, want to follow a character who wants something - badly. Samuel tells us he doesn't have the desire. If he doesn't have the desire to go on, why should we?<br /><br />The good news is this is an easy fix - give Samuel something he really wants. Then put some blocks between that desire and his achieving it. If he really really wanted to be a wizard, but was being prevented from it - what would he do? how would he feel? <br /><br />We are too removed from Samuel at this point and need to feel what he is feeling. Franklin is on the first page, so he is important - why? is he going to be the obstacle or helper? It would be helpful to see more of that along with a little more tension woven in the chapter.<br /><br />Magic is always a good hook, a few tweaks and fixes will really help this piece get going. Lynne Gobioffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16463790317957093730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-18778983524842616272021-01-17T07:48:21.082-05:002021-01-17T07:48:21.082-05:00Maria covered the story part of this, so I’m going...Maria covered the story part of this, so I’m going to focus on the technical side. Heavy-dialogue scenes are tough, because there’s not a lot of text spent of non-dialogue elements. This snippet has a few common missteps, but ones that are easy to fix.<br /><br />With two people having a conversation, you don’t need to use their names so often. There’s a natural “turn taking” structure to conversation, so when you start a new paragraph, readers assume the other person is speaking.<br /><br />There’s only one paragraph in this that doesn’t use a name, and most of them use both. Readers know from the first paragraph who is on the room and who is speaking, so you only need to tag when it might be unclear who is speaking. Using the names so much makes the dialogue clunky and unnatural. <br /><br />There’s also a POV issue here, which I think it causing some of the extra names. It feels like Sam is the protagonist, but I’m not getting a strong sense of who or where the narrator is. Is this omniscient? Is it third person? Is Sam the POV character? <br /><br />I think not knowing exactly who and where the narrator is makes it harder to “see” the scene and choose the right details to bring it to life. Since it’s more external than internal, the details are described from the author’s POV, not a character in the scene.<br /><br />For example, if this was firmly in Sam’s head, then he’d notice things about Franklin to clue him in on how Franklin feels about this problem. Does Sam notice his friend’s expression? His body language? His tone of voice? <br /><br />And what about Sam’s body language, expressions, and tone of voice? How does someone who is worried look and sound? What does he think? There’s no internalization here to let readers know what’s going on in Sam’s head.<br /><br />Now that you know how this scene unfolds, try another pass to add the internal layer.<br /><br />Here are a few articles that might help in those areas:<br />http://blog.janicehardy.com/2015/06/do-you-know-who-your-narrator-is.html<br />http://blog.janicehardy.com/2009/06/tag-youre-it.html<br />http://blog.janicehardy.com/2018/10/what-you-need-to-know-about.html<br />http://blog.janicehardy.com/2013/03/is-your-description-helping-your-story.html<br />Janice Hardyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.com