tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post1416137750195902500..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Creating Dread in a Short Story OpeningJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-56641141671223195032014-07-27T14:23:29.951-04:002014-07-27T14:23:29.951-04:00I like the set up and the scene setting.
I was no...I like the set up and the scene setting. <br />I was not 'hooked' and that needs to be fixed. Go over Janice's note very carefully but not now if this is not fully written.<br />Please finish the whole work before making this perfect because you may shift POV or plot points.<br />I think this will be good, write on!Harry Sarkisianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02734703704447800714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-48399081399513462002014-07-27T14:15:04.686-04:002014-07-27T14:15:04.686-04:00I think that to get any sense of dread, I need to ...I think that to get any sense of dread, I need to know the family's financial situation to begin with, which would probably mean starting with the mother's POV. Maybe then I can be shown how a "very poor" presumably single parent was able to secure a credit card in the first place.<br /><br />Another thing that keeps bothering me is the part about the school library being closed. While the bit about the Budget Monster slashing everything up was vivid and amusing, my sister and sister-in-law happen to be school librarians. My sister has been dealing with lack-of-funds for years now. It's simply not realistic that the library would be closed in the way described. Also, just because the school library is (for whatever reason) unavailable, doesn't mean all the public libraries would also be closed. This situation reads like facts are being forced to fit the plot and comes off as writer manipulation.<br /><br />Lastly, the Amazon advert really should go. There are LOTS of other online booksellers available.<br /><br />I think this story can work, but it needs to be revised so the protagonist and stakes are clear, and the incongruities with reality are eliminated. Good luck and happy writing!Elissa Mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10727748060605823895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-43405618354374717342014-07-26T17:00:25.261-04:002014-07-26T17:00:25.261-04:00My response is more personal. I have no sympathy f...My response is more personal. I have no sympathy for the children. Infact, even though they are young I dislike them for what they did, so I wouldn't read their story. Sorry! Also, it seems to me the real problem in the story lies after the ending, when the children must deal with their guilt and the mother must re-examine how she raised them. But if you don't go in that direction, I agree with Janice that this could be a Gift of the Magi situation. sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03818420999930644450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-51395246422019076302014-07-26T11:57:50.521-04:002014-07-26T11:57:50.521-04:00I agree with the Amazon ad. Also she "she had...I agree with the Amazon ad. Also she "she had me buy" and "she bought" is confusing. It has the start of something interesting.<br /><br />Oh and the Grandma sounds like a snot.H. R. Sinclairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06715450637785127208noreply@blogger.com