tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post1178564703164599229..comments2024-03-17T06:03:00.362-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Would You Keep Reading This Domestic Thriller? Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-17504142910269039962016-08-13T13:35:59.000-04:002016-08-13T13:35:59.000-04:00I think it's fine to have a character lusting ...I think it's fine to have a character lusting even if the kids are around. The following chapters will flesh out why this is happening. The husband could be dead, literally or figuratively, and by not whitewashing allows for authenticity to the storyline.Theresa Varelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04542433960197797105noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-38233932043005346232016-08-13T12:44:53.737-04:002016-08-13T12:44:53.737-04:00I agree with Janice's assessment and the comme...I agree with Janice's assessment and the comments preceding mine. I was 98% onboard with the passage (the writing is excellent), but two small issues were a problem. The first was the opening line, which was a nagging issue. The "had said" implied the more distant past. Was this a memory? The second was her noting her daughter's absence and ignoring it to gawk at the guy.<br /><br />I'd like to think (from the standpoint of liking the character) that she's literally reliving her daughter's abduction and remains traumatized. Thus, the ominous, melancholy tone. She then becomes a sympathetic character. On the other hand, if lust is overriding parenting the story becomes a train wreck for me. Noting the girl's absence should be clarified at the moment it happens or this risks losing readers.Christina Anne Hawthornehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11469200451589333014noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-70905949262576182182016-08-13T12:00:00.471-04:002016-08-13T12:00:00.471-04:00I think if she realizes Zoe isn't really with ...I think if she realizes Zoe isn't really with her and she's just re-living a memory, then meeting this man might work better. But that might not fit into your story. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02787259249720031535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-8285785416583690852016-08-13T10:34:51.751-04:002016-08-13T10:34:51.751-04:00I agree with Janice's notes. My only other com...I agree with Janice's notes. My only other comment is about the first line. The "had said" made it feel, to me, that this was opening with a flashback or backstory.H. R. Sinclairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06715450637785127208noreply@blogger.com