tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post1110882478739568171..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Would This Query Letter Grab Your Attention?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-59348753698421808052016-02-06T15:49:29.393-05:002016-02-06T15:49:29.393-05:00This sounds like a great story. Congrats.One thing...This sounds like a great story. Congrats.One thing that struck me immediately is that it is a bit list-like and lacks voice. It feels like - and we all know the feeling - that the writer is terrified of the person reading this and must get the facts out ASAP. Wrong. Agents are looking for voice too. Voice requires confidence and a sort of inner relaxation. Pretend you're sitting back in the pub with friends and let your enthusiasm and passion show. Your story and hard work deserve it :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11737889720275599055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-34479999794166248942016-02-06T11:46:00.812-05:002016-02-06T11:46:00.812-05:00From my personal experience of successful queries,...From my personal experience of successful queries, three sentences should be enough to get your point across. See my quickie version of you interesting story:<br /><br />A young man grows up under the reign of oppressive dictatorship where he is trained as a teen soldier. When a nuclear strike hits his Nation, he is thrust into the role of leader but his goal is to see his family and get them out of the Nation before war increases and death nears. With threats emerging where he least expects it, the young man needs to decide how he can best save his family from the tyranny his oppressors have thrown their way.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02787259249720031535noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-3201273820060667422016-02-06T10:42:05.270-05:002016-02-06T10:42:05.270-05:00What sticks out in my mind is how this concept thr...What sticks out in my mind is how this concept throws *everything* at its hero-- in a good way, mostly. Like Janice, I'm fascinated by a concept this exciting, but I also think the query sometimes trips over the number of conflicts it brings up.<br /><br />My suggestion: think about putting more of this in terms of Ciro as an unlikely leader. You have such a variety of problems for the cadets to face, the best way to unify them behind a character we can root for might be to capture that all the pressure is on Ciro to lead them through it all. Combine that with how, from your first lines about Ciro, the core of his nature makes him a surprising (or just an interesting) choice for the person in charge.<br /><br />The best queries show how much potential the story has, and you certainly capture that. They also give it a strong center, almost always about a character, and I think "unlikely leader" would be the best way to focus a query that has this much excitement going on.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-23549626307596413472016-02-06T09:14:56.779-05:002016-02-06T09:14:56.779-05:00The query letter feels a bit more in its first dra...The query letter feels a bit more in its first draft. The first line wasn't very attention-grabbing (unfortunately) and there were some places where commas were needed. I found a sentence that wasn't even a complete one. Query letters are harder than manuscripts because they are the ones that introduces our manuscripts to the world and decide their fate. I hope whoever this query belongs to will polish it even further cause the plot sounds very promising. All the best. Mariahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15322385641020328335noreply@blogger.com